When he grows up

When I was young I remember being part of a presentation where we performed a song that said something along the lines of: "When I grow up, when I grow up, I wonder what I'll be".  We proceeded to suggest different careers throughout the song. Watching my kids grow and express their interests in different things reminded me of this little song because I do wonder what they'll grow up to be.

This past Christmas Nas asked for one main thing: a tablet. Knowing just how much such a gift costs, I had to think twice about why my son, age eight, needed something plenty of adults would like to have but maybe can't afford.  But the reality was, this is a kid who loves technology so this gift wouldn't be something that ended up on the bottom of the toy box - God help him if it did! So on Christmas Day our son opened a nice tablet that he would go on to add all kinds of things to including, of course, games, a book, and the Parent-Required math practice apps.

Seeing Nas navigating his tablet's contents with the ease of a technologically aware teen makes me very proud. He talks in tech-speak which typically makes me ask, "What do you know about that?" And all too often baffles me because I have no clue what he is talking about! Jay calls him a tech-geek, especially when she doesn't know what the kid is referring to, and he even surprises Babe with the concepts he understands. Why Babe is surprised I'm not so sure, because he learned it - primarily - from his Dad!

Nas has to put in extra effort when it comes to learning new math concepts, he's a strong reader and writer, and honestly the kid doesn't really dig school all that much. But I look forward to the day when he can take full-on technology classes that allow him to really blossom and immerse himself in a subject he truly loves. When he grows up, when he grows up, I wonder just what my little Nas is going to be!

Meet Jax!

It was last Tuesday afternoon when Babe decided we needed to go to the mall for a couple of things.  When we didn't find basketball shoes for Nas we were about to leave when I decided I wanted a pretzel. As we left the pretzel shop, Babe spotted a pet store across the hallway so of course we should stop in. The store had the exact breed we were hoping to get next spring: Havanese puppies. They had a bunch of different breeds and there were several people looking at the puffy little ones in the front window. I walked away to look at the Havanese, but Babe stayed behind, his eyes fixed on a kennel with a few of the puffy puppies that were also out front.

"Come look at this puppy!" Babe said sounding like he was a young boy all over again.  I went over to see what he was looking at. "What kind of puppy is that?" He asked the store employee.

We found out the puppy was a Bichon-Shih Tzu mix - also known as "Teddy Bears" - and he was awfully cute.

"Would you like to hold him?" the store employee asked.

"Uh no. I'm not going to fall for that," Babe replied.  With that I figured we would be leaving.  Instead we walked around the store for a few more minutes, and I found we were standing in front of that puppy again.  "Okay, can I just hold him for a minute?" Babe caved.

If you saw Babe in the little 'play room' with that adorable little bundle of fur and that teddy bear face, you would've gone to the end of the Earth to make sure he and Babe never parted. Babe and I went back and forth about whether it was a good time to get a puppy, if the breed would be a good match for our family, how awful we knew it was to buy a puppy from a pet store, how much this cute little puppy would cost us. I think it's safe to say I was set - If Babe wanted to get this puppy, we were getting the puppy because I had only seen him smile like THAT on the day our babies were born and on our wedding day.

After calling the pet store to let them know he would indeed be picking up the puppy in the window, Babe had me create a list of things we would need (gotta love Google!). Meanwhile, I had to keep the surprise quiet because the kids had NO idea we were getting a puppy.  I took them to Wendy's to get something for dinner - I was way too anxious to plan and prepare a meal after all. We got home, ate dinner, then watched some "Phineas and Ferb".  Then I heard the garage door open and told the kids to go hide! They obliged probably because we do random weird things like hide from each other in an effort to scare the bejesus out of the other.

Babe walked in and Nas was first to spot our new addition. He promptly took the puppy into his arms and held him close. Jay squealed in excitement about how cute the puppy was. Fortunately I had my video camera ready and got the entire scene recorded. Babe was all smiles, the kids were so happy you would have thought it was Christmas already! I was thrilled to have the cutest puppy on the block to call our very own and that I could witness this moment with my family.

Jax has been with us for just over a week now and he's been a fun little guy, although he is a lot of work. We're first time puppy parents - I grew up with dogs but I had very little responsibility for them so I'm pretty clueless about puppy rearing - so we're all learning but we're doing it together. Jax was named after the character on "Sons of Anarchy" primarily because we like the name: short, simple, and of course Babe loves that it - like his and our kids' - starts with a "J". I feel like a new mom all over again and I couldn't have asked for a better fur son!

And a child shall lead them

There is a scripture, Isaiah 11:6, that I often think of when I see my kids enjoying their lives.  The scripture says, "The wolf also shall dwell with the lamb, and the leopard shall lie down with the kid; and the calf and the young lion and the fatling together; and a little child shall lead them." (KJV) This scripture came to mind yesterday when I was wishing and hoping and praying that Jay and her 6th grade basketball team might get a win out of last night's game. See, Jay tried track for the first time this past summer, she challenged herself with an advanced ballet class at the new studio she is attending, and just recently she tried basketball.  Just the fact that my daughter is willing to try something new and very different for her speaks volumes to her mother who is leery to step a single toe outside of her comfort zone. "...and a child shall lead them."

For basketball, there weren't any real try-outs: if girls wanted to play they just showed up at practice. After a couple of weeks they were broken up into different groups based on ability and 'teachability' I assume.  Jay came home and told us she was on the A team. She had never played basketball or had any interest in the sport so we were a bit surprised she was on the higher level team. That's when we chalked it up to being, maybe in part, due to 'teachability' because the girl can learn just about anything.

Over the course of the season - a mere four weeks - Babe and I would go to the middle schools in our area to watch our daughter and cheer her and the team on. It was fun, and funny, because Jay has always been a dancer and although she was amazing in track, she has never done a team sport. She had to remember her position, keep her eye on the ball, not foul, stay in bounds, focus on the red square when she was close enough to shoot, actually SHOOT when she was close enough to the basket, and to be aggressive on the court. Jay jammed her finger badly during one game, then jammed it again in practice. This was all new territory for her, but she kept trying and definitely improved in those few games the team played. I was one proud Mom sitting in those stands.

The team lost every game but the last one. I was so happy for those girls because they all worked and tried hard, they just couldn't get a win. So when they did it was like all of the time they spent learning the game paid off. And sure people always say, it doesn't matter if you win or lose, but we all know that the point of basketball is to get that ball into that hoop more times than the other team does - so yeah, winning is the goal. In the end my baby, all 5 feet 6 inches of her, went on that court every game and TRIED. She knew she wasn't some Lisa Leslie - at least not at this point - but she knew that she wanted to do something different and see how it went. Jay stepped outside of her comfort zone and unlike ballet and track, basketball didn't come easily for her, but she put her game face on, laced up her Nikes and got the job done. Win, lose, or draw, I got to see what it is to try something even if maybe you aren't amazing at it and still come out a bright shining star. I'm so proud of Jay. She inspires me to be a better me.  "...and a child shall lead them."

A good problem to have, but really?

Just when I finally feel like I have enough clothes to fill at least a small portion of my closet space, my body decides NOW is the perfect time to shrink. If you know me, you know that shopping for clothes is probably my LEAST favorite shopping to do. I love grocery shopping and I enjoy shopping for my kids' clothes, well, not Jay so much anymore as she is between sizes AND she's pretty fashion conscious - clearly something I am not all that into. I do love shopping for clothes for Nas because he's so easy: jeans in a size 10, medium shirts, and he likes just about everything I pick for him.

I like grocery shopping, menu planning is a different story, but going to look at the wide variety available for each item I need makes me pretty happy. And there is just something about the vibe at Super Target that just perks me up every time. Sometimes I even treat myself to a cup of coffee from Starbucks...what's not to like?

But when my pants hang onto my hips, just barely, I know it is time for the inevitable: clothes shopping for Mama. Today I wore a pair of sweats to clean in and although the drawstring helped keep them on my waist, the hips in the pants poked out as though at some point I filled that space. Did I? I surely hope not. But I can say I don't remember them fitting quite like that. While jogging on the treadmill I found myself having to pull up my yoga pants or my fellow gym-goers were going to get a show. Yet another pair of pants in the donation pile. And jeans? Oh dear Lord what girl doesn't despise shopping for jeans? Just when I thought I found the perfect brand and style, it seems Gap has changed their jeans. I had to settle for jeans from Old Navy that tend to fit pretty well, only to suck the life out of my thighs. Who wants that? I need to go down a size, but they suck my thighs so tight they look like sausages! Um...not cute!

I would love to find a store that has just the right fit for my body, where I could dress myself with the ease of one stop shopping! But I'm not sure such a store exists for any woman. This girl needs long sleeve tops that don't hug the muffin top, but isn't so shapeless I look like I'm trying to hide any proof of

Something New

This year I prayed that if God would help me write the book I have longed to write, I would do my part if He'd do His.  Well, I've gotten the final push I need to sit myself down and put fingers to keyboard and just see what happens! What's so hard about writing a book when you're a writer? In the face of that final push, I realized I had some fears to face and boy were there many! If you know me or have read my blogs, you know I deal with fear quite often and it is the one thing that seems to hold me back from doing what I want to do in this life.

While I let thoughts bounce around in my brain like pinballs, I wondered, What the heck am I so afraid of? Well for starters, what if I don't really have a new or intriguing idea? What if this book goes no further than my hard drive and I've just wasted a lot of time? What if this book is a HUGE hit, what then?? What, if it even gets that far, will critics say about my book? This is like art for me, and like so many artists say, "I'm sensitive about my...stuff!"

And because I'm currently reading "Battlefield of the Mind", which I recommend to EVERYONE, I know that my thoughts can be like a tennis match where the players are Negative vs. Positive.  When Negative sends a ball my way, I slam that boy right back! What IF I don't have an intriguing idea? Truth be told, I don't, no one does! Everything under the sun has been written about at one point or another, but that's not my goal - to come up with an original idea - my goal is to help others on their journey to healthy living! And my experience isn't anyone else's AND no one can tell my story the way I can!

Then, what IF this book doesn't go further than my hard drive? Well that's not likely to be the case at all because my loudest cheerleader has the resources to help me polish my work then get it published, so it may not be a bestseller, but it won't just sit on my computer!

What IF it's a HUGE hit? Well, I have a very solid foundation for a home life and I know Babe is in my corner, especially if it means he can take off a little more time because he's not having to support our family alone.  I daydream about a book tour on any level, how cool would that be?!

And what will critics say? They'll say what they always say: some good stuff, some not so good stuff. Pay attention to it or don't, but how I react to it is up to me.

I say all of that to say, I'm going to do my part and put in the work to improve my writing and actually write on a schedule Monday through Friday (weekends with kids home just makes focusing too hard for me!).  In time I'll have a book of my own, in my own name, published.  If I can help just one person reach their goals for a healthy life, all of the procrastination, fear, blood, sweat and tears will ALL be worth it! Please pray for me and this project!

Girls and Food: An Ah-Ha moment

As I was writing "Girls and Food" I was thinking back over the past year or so about how I portrayed the weight-loss journey to my kids. Because I knew that they were watching, I wanted to be positive about the whole thing: "I want to lose weight to be healthy not skinny" was what I hoped to convey.  But then it was brought to my remembrance, "Remember how you pray that your kids never have to deal with all that comes along with needing to lose weight?" And then I thought, "Be careful what you ask for."

Back when Babe and I were trying to get pregnant with our second child, I prayed that God would help me gain the weight I needed to gain for a healthy pregnancy and not have to lose a "ton" of weight on top of what I already needed to lose. Be careful what you ask for. When I found out I was pregnant with Nas, it was maybe a week before I started to get violently ill with morning sickness. I puked up EVERYTHING for most of the pregnancy. I think I could eat and only get queasy the last couple of months or so. Well, in the end I lost 15 pounds from being so sick, and gained 15 pounds during my last trimester. That wasn't exactly what I meant when I asked God to help me keep the weight gain to a minimum. I gained NOTHING during my pregnancy, but boy did I pay for it.

So now that I realize the things I SAY and PRAY need to be paired with statements and prayers of what I DO want for myself and for my kids, I need to stop saying I hope my kids never get fat - basically - and say things like "Please God, help us be parents who raise kids to see food as fuel and not as an emotional crutch or best friend."  Because after the last week or so, I realize my daughter agrees, It doesn't pay to get fat. But her way of going about it as an 11 year old is not healthy nor is it rational considering she still has growing to do.

As always, I played my part and although it took a lesson for me to learn how to adjust my thinking, I get it. I am also reminded of an article I read about a woman with cancer who said she struggled all of her life to get the weight off and now there wasn't a thing she could do to maintain a healthy weight because cancer was eating away at her body. I want to be at a healthy weight so I can enjoy life with my family, but when my mind goes to a place that is obsessive I remember the lady with cancer. I remember that this is one of the few times I'll have a captive audience. An audience of two: my kids.

Girls and Food

Growing up I had a hard time finding images of women who looked like me. Not only was it rare for me to see Black women in the media, but images of women who weren't a size 2 were almost non-existent. Because of this I think I had a hard time feeling comfortable in my own skin because what my body looked like was not the same as my Mom's or my sister's, so what was wrong with me? I will never forget the first time I saw Janet Jackson's "Nasty" video because I thought, "Well, she looks like me." And heck, to a young girl someone like Janet Jackson having a 'little more to love' made it okay to be the way God made you!

Fast-foward to 2012 when I have my own daughter to help navigate the images of women and the ideas of what we are supposed to look like. Jay has never been fat or overweight, just that little girl chub that seems to come with the territory. Today, she's nowhere near being overweight or even chubby, anywhere, but I think being a size 2 at 11 could seem alluring enough for her to want to hold on to that prepubescent body. After all, the models and even television stars often divulge their size 2 or 4 status and they're grown women.  The thing is, Jay isn't done growing and there's no reason to hinder her body's natural progression into womanhood.

But how do you get that concept into a girl who sees heavier girls being made fun of at school? Who has taunts hurled her way like, "Oh she's anorexic!" by the heavier girls. And knows girls her age who have been told, by their mothers no less, that a 500 calorie diet will help them lose weight. I'm supposed to think my motherly advice of 'eat healthy most of the time and enjoy not-so-healthy fare in moderation' is going to drown out the noise of what girls her age are doing? Right.

So when I discovered Jay was not eating much at all during lunch at school, I got concerned. Yes, it's one meal a day that she may skimp on because of the 'girls and food' climate at school, but I think eating disorders start with small things and grow into the kinds of stories we hear in the news about anorexia and bulimia. Now, along with those disorders there's the exercising too much to keep weight steady: Exercise Bulimia.

It was definitely eye-opening when I realized that girls who don't have a weight problem want to make sure to keep it that way, because I was always the girl trying to figure out how to get my body to lose some weight or at least look like other girls my age! Now, I never had an eating disorder (or exercising disorder for that matter) but I know what it's like to be unhappy with what you see in the mirror - I know that scene all to well. So when I was trying to see where on my own weight-loss journey I may have obsessed too much about this or that that may have put an unhealthy seed into Jay's mind about food and her weight, it occurred to me that maybe seeing how hard it has been for me to lose weight was what planted that seed.

Think about it, Why would you put yourself into a position to be overweight when you have witnessed how much work it takes to get even a little weight to budge? If you're already a healthy weight, wouldn't you try to avoid being overweight/obese at all costs?

I don't know where this idea of "eat too much crap and you can dance, run, or stair climb it away" came from, but I know that God is able to guide me in getting Jay back on the path to right thinking when it comes to food and exercise. From what I can tell, she may have just been playing too close to the edge of a disorder and Babe and I shooed her away just in time. But just in the week since we started talking to her about eating well so she can grow healthy and strong, Jay seems to be back on track. As we all know, kids are smart and can get over on their parents. I'm just praying Jay will never see risking her life for the 'ideal' body as an option.

 

50 Shades of Dysfunctional Love

This summer I had the pleasure of reading the "50 Shades" trilogy by E.L. James, and because it had some of my favorite story elements: romance and all that entails, a sassy main character, a little mystery, and good writing.  Mrs. James wrote the trilogy with plenty of detail to paint a vivid picture without being redundant and sprinkled the passionate love scenes throughout each book in a way that made it a natural progression.

When I first heard of the trilogy the author was on "Good Morning, America" and I was definitely intrigued by the way the books were discussed, sort of a code because it was on television. Plus, I appreciate a good love story and hey, a good sex scene doesn't hurt! So I promptly ordered the first book on my Kindle and started reading.

The first book is slow compared to the latter books, but there's plenty there to keep the reader interested.  "50 Shades" is a trilogy about a young woman who falls for a man, Christian Gray, with issues that lead him to find control in every area of his life a necessity, including his sex life. He goes so far as to have women sign Non-Disclosure Agreements stating what goes on between the woman and Christian Gray, stay between them.  When you read the book and find out just what kind of kinky sex Gray's into, you'll fully understand why the NDA is needed!

"Curvy Girls" effect

Recently I was watching television with Babe and if you know anything about watching TV with a man, you know that there's a whole lot of channel surfing that goes on. Babe is no exception. But this particular night he landed on "Curvy Girls" and it captured our attention.

It's a reality show about four women trying to make it in New York City as plus-size models. There's one woman, Lornalitz, who has a beautiful body: curves in just the right places, a little meat just where it should be, and not much jiggling - if you know what I mean.  But then there's Ivory who's body would be my ideal build if I had the choice. Ivory has an hour-glass figure that seems to look amazing in almost everything she wears on the show. I'd take Ivory's build with Lornalitz's muscle tone on any given day if I had my druthers!

Now, all that said, I have spent some time trying to work on my body in an effort to get healthy, avoid diabetes, heart disease, and cancers related to obesity.  But as I've noticed changes in my body, I had an idea as to what I wanted my body, my temple, to look like. My desire to become certified as a personal trainer led me to think I wanted my body to be well-defined.With much disagreement from Babe and even Nas, I still had my mind set on getting tight all over. Not body builder tight, but defined.

That's not so much the goal at this point. I call it the "Curvy Girls" effect. Being a woman is something I deem a beautiful thing. Not that muscles are for men, to the contrary, I am fully convinced that a body changes dramatically when we build muscle. Women can do cardio until their lungs pop out of their chests, we'll even see weight loss, but when we lift weights we shape our bodies and that is what makes us not just smaller versions of our previous selves, but a more shapely version as well. Now, I know I cannot obtain Lornalitz's body because I'm not built that way, I'm pretty close to straight up and down now, but the womanly assets I do have will not be turned into tight, defined parts. I want to have boobs, I love having thighs and shapely legs, and I want my arms a bit thinner but not overly defined to look less feminine. My shoulders have taken on a very nice femininely squared shape and my butt needs some more lifting, but I like having a little junk to fill out my pants and dresses! I am a woman after all.

So how has this previous mental image of myself and the Curvy Girls image meshed? I just don't want to jiggle. No flab on my arms, none on my stomach - okay, not a six-pack as I'm not interested in such a commitment, but the pooch I had at 18 is more doable. This abdominal situation is no joke so I know that will take some time and weight loss, fat loss! But I'm in it to win it because I like feeling comfortable in my own skin and I feel like I'm closer to that than I've ever been post-babies!

I don't know where this journey (it is definitely a journey!) will take me, but I know that as long as I do my part and keep sending the prayers up because I know from where my strength comes from, God will see me through to whatever He sees fit for my body to be. Lord knows I'm a better me when I feel good about me...aren't we all?

Cooler weather?! Time to BAKE!

A few years ago I decided to replace snacks and goodies we typically bought packaged with homemade things like muffins, desserts, and breakfast staples like pancakes.

Time for an Affair

On a recent Redbook magazine cover I read, "How to have an affair with your husband".  I must say I was intrigued! After all, what about an affair makes it something so many people do? According to Diane Neumann the newness of the 'relationship' is a huge one. It creates excitement, I assume, we all felt when we first started falling for our spouse. You get butterflies when you know you're going to be with him, you smile that goofy grin when she crosses your mind. I get it, we've all been there - on the falling in love part I mean.

Well, recently it occurred to me that I miss my husband. But he's not in the military on assignment, he doesn't travel extensively for work, and he's alive and well - praise God. No, Babe works full-time nearby and is home most of the time for dinner and helps me with the kids and their after school "stuff". He's a great dad and just the kind of husband I need. So why do I miss him?

That's easy. Since school started at the end of August we have been running ourselves ragged to get the kids to their respective extracurricular activities.  We also hit the Back to School nights mixed in with track meets, twice a week, and football practices, three times a week and a game on Saturday.  Babe and I are SPENT! We used to spend time together after the kids go to bed, and although we are still together come 8 p.m., one of us is typically too tired to do much more than pass out in bed.

So it's time for US to have an affair. In honor of said affair, I suggested to Babe we celebrate surviving August to November (track and football season) by taking two nights away from home, kid free, just for US. Maybe stay downtown, eat out, laugh and talk, just enjoy being married - and happily so. He agreed, and I can't wait!

Marriage requires daily care, but when you throw kids into the mix - and active kids to boot - it is easy to neglect the one you love most. I know we're both tired, but we have one month left of football games and practices, so hopefully we can use our time wisely til we get to sneak away and have our very own love affair.

Run baby, RUN!!

As many women can relate, I wear many, many hats! I am a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister. I am nurse, hair stylist, cook, housekeeper, driver, meal planner, shopper, researcher, tutor, and finder of all things.  This past August, Jay started running track at her middle school and not only am I a football and dance Mom, but I've added track Mom to my resume as well.

Jay started out with a couple of weeks of track practice after school, four days a week. I figured, she's fast and it's something she will enjoy - plus the added bonus of keeping her fit. So on the day of the first track meet I helped her ensure she had everything she needed - I've learned a LOT since that first meet! - and we met her at the away team's school. Babe and I got settled in to watch the races Jay ran, the 800 meter relay, 200 meter, and 400 meter.  The relay went well, nothing spectacular although they did win second place.

Then Jay was set to run the 400 meter race and I had the camera ready to record. Not long after that LOUD gun fired signaling the beginning of the race did I spot MY daughter several meters ahead of the other girls.

"Is THAT JAY?!?!" I asked Babe.  I think he was just as surprised as I was at how fast our little Jay-Baby had taken off.

With the first person behind her crossing the finish line awhile behind her, Jay finished in first place! I was amazed at how fast that little girl of ours could run! Heck, I knew she was fast - she always has been - but that was lighting fast!

Jay continued to win races, mostly first place, a second place, and a third in districts along with two first place wins. I was so proud of her: she worked hard, persevered when homework started to get time consuming, and she fulfilled her commitment.

Now that "J-Bolt" can hang up her sneakers for the season, I realize how much I learned from becoming a track Mom, because like in most things there is always something to be learned!

* Track is a sport where spectators spend a lot of time WAITING. Always have a book or magazine handy for all of that time spent sitting around.
* Plenty of water and a healthy carb snack for the runner should be available - don't expect the kid to remember because she won't.
* Bring chairs or a blanket to sit on because, well, refer to the first bullet point.
* If you must bring younger siblings, be sure to have snacks for them to enjoy and plenty of things to keep them busy. Otherwise they will bug you to DEATH. And again, track is a sport where you spend a lot of time waiting.
* Our season was from August to late September, so a hoodie and sweats were packed on cooler days in case she got chilly. That said, also have jackets for spectators in your group and even a small blanket was helpful. Be prepared for anything the weather may bring: umbrellas for rain or too much sun, sunscreen, sunglasses, etc.
* If you are the family Mamarazzi or Paparazzi be sure to have all of your cameras charged up and ready for the events! Trust me, you'll be sorry if you miss it!

Although I'm missing you

Most days I able to rationalize that my parents are busy taking care of those who need them most right now. They are holding babies, hugging orphaned children, befriending widows, teaching skills that will carry people throughout their lives in the vast country of Congo.  Most days I realize that my parents, Debbie and Dave, are in Congo creating a "new normal" for themselves and taking every day as it comes.  My Dad is up early spending time with God, reading and praying. My Mom is making sure that Dad doesn't starve considering his limited preferred food options. They send us clips of their home whilst they're away doing missionary work. Clips that include a toucan sitting in a tree, goats playing in their front yard the way rabbits hang out in ours. Most days I am so happy they are off on this adventure together, they listened to God speak into their lives and they trusted Him to provide and protect.

Then there are days like today. Days when I feel like I should be able to pick up the phone and chat with my Mom after I get the kids off to school.  When I just wish I could drive up to Fort Collins and just be "Bink", their daughter - not the slew of hats I wear when I'm in my own territory.  Days like today when I wish my Dad was just a phone call away either en route to visit someone who needs him to hold their hand and pray over them, or at his church office upstairs overlooking the sanctuary. Today is the kind of day I would do just about anything to have Dad sitting on my couch watching the news or ESPN after a meeting in Denver. He'd ask me for a bunch of things: "Whatcha got to drink, Bink?", "You got any chips?", "Let's run over to Best Buy (or Home Depot), I wanna look at something."  And I'd oblige.

My family: my parents, my sister and I, are very close.  I knew this before they left for Africa last December, but I think this has made it very clear just how close we all really are. What I know for sure is that no matter what kind of day it is, my parents miss me as much as I miss them and having family like that is something to cherish. But I can honestly say that I'm not sure it'll be as easy to be as selfless should they "ask" me if they can go fah-fah away for two years again.  I hope they are fully enjoying their missionary work and immersing themselves into the beautiful culture of the Congolese - but come December 2013, when they return home, I may not be willing to "let" them leave the state for more than a week without getting a twitch.

Staying in my lane

It's been twice now that I've planned, in my head, some time to spend "just being girls" with Jay.  Not so long ago this was fool-proof and we both really enjoyed it! But these days it seems when my baby girl gets any free time, she quickly has something planned with friends, namely her best friend. I must mention that she doesn't know of my mental plans, so who wouldn't want to hook up with the homies?!

Anyway, on Friday night I planned on finding something for us to watch together and having some popcorn while the guys were at Nas's football practice. At 4:15, like clock work, Jay asks if she can go hang out with her friend at the park. Although it's hard for me to watch her grow up so much so fast, I almost always let her go even if I had made plans in my mind for us. Who wants to be that Mom who forces their kid to spend time with them? Plus I know that she doesn't get much time with her friends, so you know what? As Amy Duncan would say, Whatevs.

It'll only get worse over time, so for now I make sure to be up early enough to spend some time with her over breakfast before she leaves for school and stop whatever I'm doing when she deems it necessary to tell me about what so-and-so said or did, or what funny thing happened in class. Because to be honest, it doesn't happen as often as it used to! So I'll appreciate every moment and every little conversation we share. I never heard anyone say motherhood was easy, not before I became a mom and not after, but if someone could convey the feeling a mom feels when she is, inevitably, forced to let go, I could almost guarantee we'd have much less of a population problem in this world.

Another year

My birthday is fast approaching! On the 21st of this month I will be 34 years old.  Since turning 30, I find every year must be filled with a purpose. It doesn't have to be earth-shattering to anyone else, but it needs to be a year focused on something I would like to improve upon in my life. This year I worked on me, physically. For years I've wanted to lose weight and this past year I decided to get really real about it. I'm so glad I did because I don't think I've felt better in at least 10 years!

So for my 34th birthday, I am committing myself to choosing a career path and giving it my all. I've spent plenty of the past 11 years raising little kids who have grown into big school-age kids. I even have a middle-schooler! Whaaaat?!?! Yeah. Well now it's time for me to have something that is mine, that I focus on, that I truly enjoy - and I'm really excited about that! Fortunately becoming a personal trainer will allow me to study the curriculum for six months, then take the test for certification. I'm not a fan of school, I love learning, but the school setting has never really been my thing. I can even wear Nikes to work! So this should be a good fit! I'm excited because I do enjoy exercise and how it has changed my body even in the year I've spent changing my eating habits and being more active. To help other people reach their goals will be very fulfilling, plus I can start a blog about healthy living - what's not to love!??!

When I see the effect my lifestyle change has had on my kids I know I can make a difference in someone's life. They know how to read a nutrition label, even Nas is coming along. Although I typically make choosing healthy foods pretty easy by keeping too much junk out of the house, the kids can go out to eat and still make great choices! Now to get through to them that we can enjoy whatever we want, just not every day and there's no reason to suck down a Slurpee bigger than the smallest cup (NAS!).  But overall, I've led by example and the kids are following suit. Maybe they can avoid the lesson I had to learn to get myself back to a healthier place in fitness and nutrition.

I don't know what 34 holds for me, but since turning 30, I have had some really good days - and for that I'm so thankful! When people talk about turning 30 it's typically pretty somber, but not for me. If 30s are this good, I can't WAIT to see what the 40s bring - well, assuming I continue to grow and unravel the woman God meant for me to be! Okay, so I can wait, but I'm not dreading getting older. I'm closer to looking the way I want to look, feeling the way I want to feel, and living the way I want to live, and 34 will just put me one year closer. Here's to 34...

How I feel about ME

I think we all have days when we just don't feel cute. Well I've been having a few more than what I consider MY share of "those days"!

My skin is crazy, the change of seasons always brings about an extra pimple or two which makes every girl feel oh-so-pretty! My hair, oh dear Lord, my hair, it's so dry that if you stood too close while lighting a match - POOF! Not only that, I feel like I need to color it once a week because the grays are just relentless! I've had gray since I was 16 and finally, the stupid colorless hair has taken front and center on my head. Not cute. At least not at 33! Give me a BREAK!

So I've been going hard in the gym for awhile now and after losing a good amount of weight the scale just stopped moving in the right direction. A couple of days ago I caught a glimpse of myself in Finish Line and thought, Wow, things are coming along! And that helped. Of course I noticed the pimples I'm sporting, and the hair was not the look I was going for, but when all else failed it was a full-length mirror that helped me see that the hard work I'm putting in really is paying off. Needless to say, I'm investing in a full-length mirror especially if it helps improve the way I feel about ME.

Football Mom

It was probably when I was in middle school that I first heard the term, "Soccer mom".  The visual I concocted back then was of a mom who brought snacks for the team, drove a mini-van, and made sure her kids were ready for the big game on Saturday. So when I became a mom I wondered what sports and activities my kids would participate in as they got older.

Fast-forward a few years and here I am a Dance Mom and a Football Mom.  I'm also a Track Mom and a Basketball Mom. If I knew then what I know now, that just means I spend a lot of time in my SUV taking kids to and from practices and games.  My weekend plans must be scheduled around games and some of those games are spent on very hot fields or tracks with the sun cooking me to a crisp.

I'm learning what we need for this gig I call Football Mom. Last weekend was the first real football game and I had NO idea a game for 7-year-olds could last 2 hours! I was so hot and hungry I could have chewed off my arm, it was cooked to medium-well by then. So I will definitely need to pack a cooler - on wheels thanks to a suggestion made by my older sister who's been there done that - with snacks and plenty of water. Hopefully we can get some kind of umbrella, tent, get-out-of-the-sun coverage mechanism soon because I refuse to sit and fry again! I figure it'll be freezing cold soon enough and it'll still be useful on those cold, windy days. Sadly, I'd almost rather not go to the game than sit and be as uncomfortable as I was last weekend!!!

The expectation in our house is that the kids will be active. With childhood obesity rates climbing every day, keeping the kids moving will help offset weight gain, so it's worthwhile to us. But I've come to the realization that keeping them active means a full schedule of planning ahead for snacks and water bottles, driving to and from games and practices - which aren't always close by! Oh and lots of money spent on uniforms, pads, running shoes, ballet shoes, and cleats. I'm sure Dance/Track/Football/Basketball Mom is no different a gig than Soccer Mom is, only I don't drive a mini-van.

Better late than never

In the past couple of summers I have started taking my 'green thumb' outdoors. With the help of my friend I have been able to plant a few flowers and bushes outside to help bring some oomph to our yard. There is one flower that I really like, and although it says it's an annual, it returns every summer since I planted the seeds a few years ago. The cosmos start to grow in June and I don't get to see the pretty daisy-like bloom until late July! Granted, I'll get to see the pretty shades of pink and white flowers until October if there's no monsoonal winds (they even withstand a wet snowfall!), but still, waiting until late July or early August is hard when you want to see something thrive during the summer months.

I feel like the life cycle of my cosmos resembles my life, at least when we're talking about a career path.  When I found out I was pregnant with Jay in 2000, I was in my third year of college studying journalism.  My plan was to finish college, but when my counselor told me it would take me two years if I could get the classes I needed, I was over the college scene. That feeling was solidified the day I went to English class and could barely fit into my desk.

Then after Jay was born I decided to go to community college so I could get some kind of degree and get a decent job to help support our family.  Why I thought I'd enjoy computer science is beyond me, but that clearly didn't work out.  From there I worked as an administrative assistant for a few different offices, made a little money to keep us afloat while Babe got his feet on the ground in his new career, then became full-time at-home mom and pregnant with Nas.

For years I felt my job was to raise our babies at home, meanwhile I blogged about it. I loved blogging, I've always loved writing, and it gave me an outlet while I was home with two little ones. The thing about being an at-home mom, though, is that unless you keep having babies, the kids will leave you...well...at home! They both have been in school full-time since last school year so now it's time for Mama to really figure out what she wants to be when she grows up.

Recently I've become interested in nutrition and wanted to go to school to become a holistic nutritionist. But when I started working out and trying to get my sexy back, I found that molding the body is something I enjoy and maybe I could help someone else reach their goals! So now I am going to take six months of studying and learning about the human body and the business side of personal training so I can have a career of my own. And I can even dress the way I feel most comfortable! In a pair of NIKES! I'm not sure there's a more perfect career for me!

Much like the slow growing cosmos in our backyard, it took time for me to settle into what I believe God has called me to do with my life: help others get healthy. Not only that, I can use the gift He blessed me with and write about what I do every day. A marriage of two things I truly love. When it comes to working and having my own career, I may be a late bloomer, but I keep reminding myself: Better late than never.

Isn't it ironic?

It's funny how God works.

When I was pregnant with Jay I prayed that the baby I was carrying would be like his or her Daddy: Babe is outgoing, he has a fun personality, but works very hard for what he wants in this life, he knows where his blessings come from, he is brilliant in that he retains information and acquires it with ease. That's what I wanted for our baby. I asked God for all of that, plus, if He could, throw in some dancing skills because I love dance, but skills I do not have.

From those prayers came Jay who resembles me, but is JUST like her Daddy. She also happens to love dance and is so good at it.

As Jay got older I realized just how much she is like Babe. And some of the traits are just as annoying on her as they are on him! So when I can't understand where she's coming from, why she sees things the way she does, or wants to fly free like a little butterfly, I know that I can consult her father because he understands the way she works. After all, she is just like him.

The same goes for our son,  only I didn't put in a specific order when we were ready for baby number two. I prayed the usual parent prayer asking for a healthy baby who would grow to love God. If you know me, you know I also begged and pleaded with God to give me the honor of raising a son alongside the daughter He blessed us with. Maybe I should've been more specific in my personality ordering because I'll be doggoned if God didn't create our son to look just like his father and have MY personality!!!!

Disclaimer: There is nothing 'wrong' with my personality except that I'm an introvert, I tend to be anxious over all things, I think way too much about everything, I don't learn new things quickly, and I'm very emotional. Basically, a polar opposite of Babe and Jay. God knows full well how hard I have struggled with 'this' personality so I find it pretty funny that he slapped it on my son! And not funny 'ha-ha'.

But what's nice is that when Nas is being Nas, Babe has someone he can go to to help him understand where Nas is coming from, why he sees things the way he does, and why Nas has little desire to blaze a trail. Nas is content with things that make him happy and keep his anxiety level at a manageable place. Right now at least, Nas doesn't see becoming president or curing cancer as his life goal. He's content with growing up and becoming a football player and video game designer. While Jay wants be a superstar, philanthropist, and own a dance school where kids who can't afford dance lessons can attend.

Our kids are very different and that's really okay. But it's even more okay because they each have a parent who can relate to them, and a parent who can help them see things a different way when necessary. God knows what He's doing, and that is evident in all things, but especially in our household!

Our snuggle bunny

In posts past I am sure I have mentioned my deep desire to have a son of my very own. I prayed often, made a list of the qualities I felt a son should have and that if God didn't see fit I would fully understand on the day I birthed my second child

Run Mama Run

A few weeks ago I decided that if I was going to push through this weight-loss plateau I was going to have to kick the exercise into high gear - okay, higher gear.  Although I was already going pretty hard in the gym and allowing Jackie Warner and Jillian Michaels to pound me into submission, I knew doing basically the same level of intensity was not going to get me the results I was seeking.

What if I started to run?

That's what I'm here for....right?!

When you're an at-home Mom, I suppose it's normal to feel like there are certain things that are simply "your" job to take care of.  During the summer when the kids were home all.day.long., I didn't do much for them.  They had 1500 boxes of cereal available for breakfast, I kept tuna salad made or lunch meat (no nitrates!!!) on hand at all times so they could make sandwiches for lunch, and snack stuff was always in the fridge or cabinet awaiting their attack.  I even skimped on dinner many summer nights.

But now that they are back in school and sports are in full swing, I find it my duty to take on just about all of their duties.  I'm sure to many Moms this sounds insane. But being home every day, all day, aside from volunteering at Nas' school, exercising, and writing, I feel like the household business is mine to tend to. And I want the house to be clean when they all make their way back home for the evening.  I know my Mom worked full-time and did what she could. If she were home every day all day she would have a) gone crazy, but b) had EVERYTHING taken care of when we got home! So this whole at-home Mom thing has definitely become a "homemaker" thing because, well, there are NO KIDS home til 3:30 Monday through Friday!

So what does this look like? Well, I feel obligated to get up with my daughter in the morning at 6:15. I need to make sure she's up and getting it together for the day. Some days I'll be up for making the kids something hot for breakfast, this morning it was pancakes and bacon, yesterday it was oatmeal (instant mixed with rolled), toast and fruit. But I feel like I need to help them along in the morning, and breakfast is my gig even if it's cereal, toast and a boiled egg! I don't like the kids eating too much processed 'crap' and we all know that 'real' food requires some time and effort - so Mama's gotta get up!

For now, I make their sandwiches on Sunday, add lettuce and tomato on the day of, and they have snacks in a big bowl for them to choose from. I also make their fruit cup or a little salad for them to pack, but that is also because I need to know they are eating fairly well on any given day.  Maybe this all just comes down to control? It wouldn't be the first time I've heard that - I'm controlling, yes.

Then, I check to see what we can have for dinner before 4 p.m. rolls around so I can feed Nas before football on practice nights.  Babe insists he can help with dinner some nights, but I realize I have plenty of time to get that taken care of in case he's not up to doing dinner when he thinks he might be.

I do realize that this can be a bad idea. But I've decided that for the first couple of weeks, while they get settled into their routines, it's what my inner Mom voice tells me to do.  Then I will need to let them take on some of the responsibility because one of my top priorities is raising my kids to be independent. Jay's off to a great start in that regard, but Nas will need more encouragement - not Mommy taking on all of his "stuff".

Maybe when I see myself as CEO of our household I need to remember to delegate, as any good leader knows. I find great joy in taking care of my family, but I can't let that override my determination to raise independent kids. I'm sure as the newness of this school year wears off I will let up a bit because sharing the duties is the only way I'll get a win-win: I'm taking care of my family and ensuring that the kids gradually take on more responsibility. That's how you really take care of and love your kids.  Because if the past 11 years of motherhood have taught me anything, it's that they'll be 18 and ready to live their own lives sooner than I know. And I need them to be very ready and very capable when the time comes.

Back to the grind

As our summer break comes to an end – rather quickly I might add – it is very obvious to me that the kids’ break from school equals Mom’s break from the day-to-day grind.  No, I don’t work full-time.  My grind during the past school year has been getting healthy and losing this weight! 

There is nothing cozier than having the kids home with NO schedules, NO homework, NO obligations that require me to drive them here there and everywhere by a set time.  And cozy is what got me to here in the first place: in need of getting the weight off.  When I’m cozy, I like something yummy to eat to go along with that cozy feeling.  The kids are home on break? Well we’re going to enjoy ice cream, frozen yogurt, sub sandwiches – don’t forget the chips!, eggs/bacon/toast/fruit for breakfast, and easy-breezy dinners because really, who wants to cook come 5:00 on a sweltering summer evening? All this coziness and a side of “it’s way too hot to be outside doing much of ANYTHING”! And there you have it. Time for Mama to get back on the boat if the goal is to be reached!

It has occurred to me that if I want to lose this last 15 pounds, and honestly, not rediscover any of the 26 pounds I lost in the past year, I need a new mindset about “cozy”!! It’s why new couples pack on the pounds, new brides tend to put on some newlywed weight, and I myself did ALL that and then some.  Spending time on the couch in front of the idiot box, relaxing with the man does not mean I need to stuff my face with crappy cozy treats!! On movie nights when the fam is all piled in on a chilly fall night, which we are so overdue for (chilly nights I mean), does not mean a free-for-all!!! Pop, candy, popcorn drenched in fake butter? As Bethenny Frankel has written, “you can have it all, just not all at once”.

New rules must be implemented to be successful on the “Phase 2” of my weight-loss journey, because 26 pounds ain’t gon’ cut it for this girl.  I have a very specific look in mind for my body and even if it takes me another full year to get there, I’m going to get there.  Maybe there are more good reasons than just a clean house for the kids going back to school: Mama’s gotta get her groove back! And an “empty nest” for six hours is just what I need to make it happen.

"If it scares you, do it"

That was a short but powerful quote I read in a magazine today and it has me thinking even more about my "control freak" tendencies.

Ever since childhood I have been the girl to play it safe. I didn't ride my bike down that steep hill near my Grandmother's house. My fear of water kept me in the shallow end of the pool because I couldn't bear to learn to swim - it'd require me to give up control.  Only once in my life have I had a little too much to drink and that didn't leave me out of control, tipsy maybe, but the 9,000 pounds my head seemed to swell to the next morning was enough to keep me on the 2 drink MAXIMUM list.  The idea that I might not remember what I did or who I did it with because of too much alcohol or drug use keeps me quite sober. 

So it's safe to say that being a control freak has it's up side, but it keeps you out of the game of life in many instances that are actually perfectly safe. Learning to swim, for instance, is safe! No one is going to just let me drown, but leaving the control on the chair with my towel while I let someone teach me to survive in the water is just too difficult for me.

"If it scares you, do it!"

I've always been an anxious kinda person.  It got so bad this summer that I had to see my doctor about it because it was really affecting my daily life and quality thereof.  Worrying about getting hit while riding bikes with my kids - or alone for that matter - was the kind of thing that kept me from getting out there. Anxiety about getting in a car accident or being in traffic kept me in very close proximity to home because venturing out was just too much to bear, anxiety wise.  This was all very irrational fear that overcame me on a daily basis: my nerves were shot! So

First taste of Freedom

When I was 8 years old, my parents took me to look at a bike being sold at a garage sale.  I was so excited when the $6 brown bike with the big banana seat fit me like we were made for each other.  It was the bike that would carry me around our driveway, a large stretch of black tar that covered our front driveway, around to the side of the house, and down and around to our garage in the back of the house.  This was where I would practice riding. Learning, no, mastering the art of bike riding became my mission - just me and my brown bike with the banana seat.

Now, at 11, my daughter has found the freedom a bike holds. Jay loves riding her bike with her friends. She comes up with different places to go and when all else fails she just rides around our hilly neighborhood. I think it's so cool that although things change from generation to generation, from what I can tell, bicycles have always been a constant. Even Jay's friends know the freeing feeling a bike offers as they come over to whisk her away often.

It reminds me of when my sister and I would ride up and down our street, Arlene, around the block, over the uneven sidewalk, on the short stint that sat on the busy street across from our elementary school, and zooming down the slight hill back to our house at 3311.  Later, we would ride our bikes to 7-11 to spend whatever little bit of money was burning a hole in our pockets. On a summer day, there was nothing in this world like riding our bikes to 7-11 to get Slurpees! It was our first taste of freedom, on our bikes, allowed to ride just far enough to feel free.

Today I got to thinking about Jay on her own bike and how far I am comfortable with allowing her to go, to feel that first taste of freedom. And I came to the conclusion that as long as she is on residential streets, helmet strapped on, Jay too can enjoy the freedom my parents allowed us as kids.  Because really, from what I can remember, as my niece would say, it was the BEST thing EVER!

It's that time again!

It's mid-July and I've been home every day with both kids as they are out of school for the summer.  In theory, this is great: no schedules, no homework to complete before bed, and a whole lot less friend drama.  But the reality is that the house stays a MESS most of the time because the kids are home all day every day.  I feel like I do little more than grocery shop to keep the kids fed as they're home eating 3 squares and God knows how many snacks.  And my socialite of a daughter has me driving her here there and everywhere to meet up with her friends at the pool, at their houses, at our house, at the shopping center, you name it, Jay has PLANS.

Nas is spending most of his waking hours at my dear friend's house playing with her son, eating up her food, only to come home ready to take up the couch in front of the television.  He's easy, sure, but man is that kid interested in only a few things: watching reruns, playing video games, or playing with his friend.  Getting him to do much else is WORK lately.  It's okay though, there are days when I feel up to the challenge and I push him, HARD, to get what I need him to do done. Ah motherhood.

Well now it's time for Mommy and Daddy to escape the day-to-day and I cannot wait! It's our 10th anniversary on August 3, and we're headed to Cancun to enjoy some time away, kid-free.  Did I mention I can't wait? Babe is stressed and tired, mentally for sure, from work.  And there's nothing like reconnecting with your honey without interruptions, aka KIDS.  After our trip to Cabo San Lucas a couple of years ago, we realized we are beach vacation people.  It's where Babe can fully relax and unplug, and that's rare for him.  Sure, we love trips in general, we're big fans of seeing different cities, but when we really need to unwind, we head to the beach!

Motherhood continues to grow and transform with every passing year, but we're in a good place with the kids being older. I cherish the time we have left with the kids at home and some time away with their father is just the thing to remind me, again, of how much I do love our little people!

Best intentions

Well, much like my goal for myself to blog here twice a week, I made plenty of plans for the kids for the summer back in May before school let out.  I had the best of intentions to make a schedule for us to stick to so the kids can mix a little learning and reading into the thick batter of fun and relaxation that summer truly is.  So maybe I haven't totally dropped the ball, but we have had only a couple of days when I feel up to making time for homework.

Jay is great about it: she reads daily, and has completed three books already! She will pull out her work book to complete a couple of pages without being hounded, when I say it's homework time.  But I have to say "it's homework time." 

Then there's Nas.  My son has become the epitome of  laziness since school ended back in early June.  Now, this little boy is no fan of chores or homework, but it's gotten to be where he needs me on him all the time about e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g.! Really? And he wants to eat popsicles and other yummy sweet summer fare all day every day while he lounges with the remote in hand.  "There's a hundred and four days of summer vacation..." seems to be the soundtrack to this child's summer mindset! At what point will he decide he simply canNOT watch another "Phineas and Ferb" rerun?!

In which case, I have to be on my game or homework - let alone reading - won't happen where my male child is concerned.  Yesterday I bought a workbook for him to work on reading AND writing that focuses on reading comprehension. This way, he is expected to read and complete one sheet before he plays any kind of video game - which, did I mention, has become my go-to for getting him to do whatever needs to be done! "You cannot play a single video game until you  __________" (do your chores, read for 20 minutes, play outside, eat breakfast), so it is definitely a carrot to dangle in front of him, but boy do I feel like ALL I do is coerce my son to do what he NEEDS to be doing!

At the bookstore he did find a "Magic Treehouse" book and has started reading it.

"Can I take this to New York, Mommy?" Nas asked when he found the little gem.  Jay and I both looked at him and said, "YES!!" We were excited he took the initiative...finally!

So the Subway sandwich guy told me, "Summer is not for reading," I beg to differ.  Summer time is about fun, yes, but the little people in this house are expected to be ready to REVIEW the school work they completed the school year prior.  So the only way I can ensure that happens is if I make the conscious effort to sit them both down to work on their weak points and sharpen their strong ones.  That's the plan anyway...and I have the best of intentions!

And dogs make 6!

Jay has been asking for a dog for years now and I keep saying, when you're older.  Well recently she said, "I was 7 when you said that, I'm 4 years older now!" And I had to think fast - which typically isn't my thing. So in my typical fashion, I went to Facebook to mention the kids' desire for a dog and my uneasy feelings about adding responsibilities to my plate. I got all kinds of responses. A few said they agreed with me, my uncle simply posted, "Aw, get them kids a dog!", while my Mom suggested we dog sit for a family friend who has two small dogs.  I thought it a brilliant idea, as did our friend.

When our friend offered to share her dogs with us while she was away for a week I jumped at the chance - then I asked Babe if that was okay with him.

"Yeah, I guess so," he said.  We were set.  When I told the kids they were elated, well, Nas was elated.  Then he asked me DAILY when the dogs were coming, so many times that finally he asked which day and proceeded to write "DOGS" on the calendar.

Pizza Night!

Ever since I can remember, my little boy has loved commercials.  He repeats them when you least expect it, and it's been that way since he was probably 2 years old! Not unlike many people, commercials get him interested in new toys, new snacks, even family travel ideas, and earlier this week was no different.

After homework has been completed, Nas likes to watch "a show" or two before dinner.  While watching "a show" earlier this week he saw a pizza commercial, probably Pizza Hut, and said "We should have pizza for dinner!" Ha! Babe was out of town on business and all I had in mind was leftovers to help clean out the fridge.

"Hm, that does sound good. How about Friday?" I suggested.
"Huh, okay," Nas said as he went back to his show.

Television has it's place after all.  It helps our family plan dinner menus and, as of late, it has provided Nas with the idea that we should go on a Disney Cruise for a family trip. 

"They have games, pools, even a mystery game I could play with other kids on the cruise! We should go, Mommy!" He offered one day at breakfast.

See, so all is not lost when it comes to allowing kids to watch TV during their free time.  All I can do is laugh when Nas comes up with these random ideas based on commercials.  I hope the marketing and advertising people are making BIG bucks for these ads and their strategic placement because we're having pizza night tonight AND apparently, at least in Nas's minds, the Disney Cruise is back on the must-do list.  Good heavens.

Like mother, like...Son

Nas has been playing flag football for two seasons now.  Last season the kid was unstoppable.  And I mean he tore up and down the length of the field every time he was hiked the ball.

This season? Not so much.

I can't recall one game where Nas didn't have a stomachache that sidelined him, a kick or bump to his leg during a play, or a fall during a play that sent him to the bench in pain and/or tears.  Granted, each time he came to the bench he was genuinely in pain, but the difference this season is that it seemed to always be just what he needed to get out of the game for a few minutes if not longer.

Babe and I found ourselves baffled.  How does a kid who loves playing sports suddenly decide that he is going to find a reason, ANY reason, to be pulled out of the game? Babe takes Nas to practice and Nas always does some "Nas style" move that gets him around an opponent in a way most 7 year olds just don't do. So we wondered why practice was where he felt comfortable enough to shine, but game day was just not his thing.

 Til this past Saturday.

Nas said his nose was stuffy so he didn't want to go to the game.  I was frustrated at this point because watching him last season I know what he is capable of and he wouldn't tell us what the problem was regarding this season! So he was going to that game, after all, he committed to playing and his team and coaches were depending on him! Later as it got close to time to leave for the football field, Nas was in tears.  He simply didn't want to go.

"Do you like playing?" Babe asked him.  Nas nodded yes.  "Are you nervous to play?" Nas nodded again.  It was anxiety.  Stage fright, performance anxiety, whatever you want to call it, my baby had it bad.

This came as no real surprise to me because I spent most of my life with my shoulders tensed up to my ears.  I struggle still, with anxiety in certain situations. So knowing that Nas is so much like me, I had an inkling that anxiety might be the issue.  We spent a little time talking about our expectations - we don't expect him to be perfect, just to do his best; we don't care if he wins or loses as long as he put forth the effort; and that if he practiced hard on Wednesday night before the game, he's ready for game day.  Nas cried while we had the conversation, but in practice I could see a change come over him.  He was smiling! It was something I hadn't seen all season on game day.  I knew immediately that our prayers had been answered and that Nas would be okay this game.  His team lost, but I don't think there's been a winning game when I have been more proud of my son.  God blessed Nas with His peace and Nas was able to do what he does best and give it his all.

A lot of times I think because I'm the Mom I am supposed to know all and be all - like giving birth made me God.  My best friend reminded me that now that we know what Nas is dealing with, I can do what I need to do for him and pray that God will continue to fill in the gaps where I am lacking as a mother.  That's all I can do - my best - and keep praying for my kids because no one knows them like God does.

Continuation Anticipation

In early June, Jay will have a ceremony that marks the continuation from 5th grade into middle school.  It is hard not to be excited for her because she has been looking forward to a new school, new friends, a fresh start for some time now.  In true Jay fashion, she was ready for middle school in 4th grade. So, the realization that Jay is so ready for this transition softens the blow to my Mommy heart.  Until I start thinking too hard about how fast the 11 years I have shared with my firstborn have gone by.

This is just another practice in letting go.  The earliest memories I have of letting go, the hardest ones, were when I had to leave her for her first day at a new daycare center.  She didn't cry, she smiled and waved goodbye then toddled over to a shelf of toys - at nine months.  Her first day of kindergarten I cried.  How on Earth had five years breezed by?! She was the picture of confidence, having chosen her cute first day outfit and hairstyle.  It's hard to let her go and grow, every step has been hard, but she faces each change in her life with such excitement and zeal that it has become contagious!

In short, I can't wait for Jay's continuation ceremony.  She's ready, she's well-prepared, she still talks to me about things going on in her life, and she has such a good head on her shoulders.  What more could any mother ask for? I think I am reminded DAILY of the brilliant quote, "The days are long, but the years are short." I am so proud of my daughter and although the years truly seem so short, I have enjoyed every moment I have spent learning and loving through her eyes.

Getting back to ALL things ME

For some reason I was wired with a one-track mind. It became obvious to me when I realized that God knew I was to be an at-home Mom because I would either focus all of my energy on WORK or on MOTHERHOOD. Clearly, not all women are this way, but I most definitely am. That said, when I turn my focus to a new goal or project, other things begin to fall away. This blog is evidence of that. I love writing. There is something, for me, that is so very special about allowing my fingers to tell the tale my brain can't formulate quickly enough for my mouth to speak. It's been this way for me since I was eight years old.

When I started writing as a child, I thought a whole new world had opened up for me! Well, it had! I was very quiet as a child so writing quickly became my favorite mode of conversation. As the years go by, I find more and more things that pique my interest and writing, from time to time, takes a backseat - or worse yet - it gets put out of the car! This was the case in the past few months. Although I think of it often, I haven't written a thought down on paper, or blog, in months. Lately my mind has been all over the place, but specifically on my weight-loss goal and my latest career dream.

I'll go more into the career dream later, but since August 2011, I have lost 26 pounds. It's one of my greatest accomplishments in a very long time. It was a goal I set for myself, to lose 20 pounds, and it was something only I could do for myself. This weight loss took a ton of prayer, effort, focus, sacrifice, and CARDIO! And it was all on me to do to reach the goal I set. I still have six pounds that refuse to budge, then I would like to set another goal for myself after those six go packing.

Needless to say, the gym has been on my weekly list of to-dos so much lately that I feel like my car could get there on auto-pilot! It's time for me to remember all of the things I love, writing being one of them. I'm going to do my best because I deserve nothing less!! Plus, there's so much going on in my life regarding the kids AND summer is coming! No way can I let this time go by without chronicling it all here! It is my memory bank where the most precious memories in my world go so I can look back and reminisce when my babies truly are no longer babies. I had better start depositing again!

Parent/Teacher Conferences - our 1st grader

Ah, it's that time of year again when Babe and I must sit with the kids' teachers to find out how fabulous our kids are as well as what said kids need to work on. This is my favorite time because I have the teacher's undivided attention while I pick her brain about how she sees my kids in the six hours, Monday through Friday, that she has him or her. It is during this time that I find out how to help my kids as well as what we can do at home to push them even further ahead in academics. I've never been the Mom who just wants the kids to coast through school, I want them to excel in school and in their strong areas I want to do more so they can be ready for the next level of learning. There's just no reason not to.

I went to Nas's conference first - Babe was out of town on business so he had to miss it. If you don't know Nas you don't know just how unique his personality is. Well it seems his teacher is slowly peeling away the many layers of Nas but still hasn't gotten far enough in to understand how he operates in the classroom setting. Nas talks to himself. Initially she thought he might be playing a game or doing something he'd rather be doing than listening to her talk about writing. But when I considered it, I assumed Nas was probably working out - in his head - just how he was going to attack the assignment. He's a lot like his mother, he processes things a bit slower than others.

Aside from his quirky way of processing directions for a project, she said he's a strong reader (a grade level ahead!) and has gotten more confident in math. SCORE! Reading has always been so important to me - the kids need to be strong readers so that comprehension is not a hindrance to learning. And math?! Last term Nas really struggled with concepts, something I can relate to. I would "get" math, but boy the teacher almost had to BEAT it into me! This term he realizes he doesn't have to be intimidated by math - I'm so grateful for that!

He needs to work on writing, she said. And after I read some of his in-class writing work, I would say he needs to work on writing quite a bit! Nas has this great vocabulary - he has lived in a house with a writer and a sister who is a vocabulary sponge after all - so it seems that would pour over into his writing right? Not so much. So we're working on that along with telling time and counting money.

I love that Nas' teacher, who had Jay when Jay was a 2nd grader, realizes the importance of building on a strong foundation as well as creating strengths in areas of weakness. No need to just stay the same til next school year, let's get crackin' on next school year's lessons TODAY in areas where the kids are strong! So far Nas has had wonderful teachers who, although they may not always understand his inner workings, have always wanted the best for Nas and I pray every school year that the trend continues!

My Crazy Life

Lately I feel like I've been swallowed WHOLE by the busyness of Jay's life, Nas's life, Babe's life, and finally, my life. I've been feeling so scattered, my kitchen counters look just like what I imagine my brain looks like these days: papers from school, Nas's art projects strewn about, mail everywhere, just a chaotic mess! I thought working on myself would help me get things in order but it seems to have only flipped all-things-Natalie upside down!

Babe and I started working on our bedroom because it was just so boring. My final task was to paint ONE wall back in January. You think that's been done? We still have the tester stroke of sage-y green painted on our wall. We both love the color, maybe now, in March, I can get the REST of the wall to match that swatch!

My house used to be a mess - in my eyes - all the time when the kids were really young, but since they've gotten a little older I find it easier to keep things tidy...lol, tidy. Lately? This house has seemed to suck me under like quick sand just the way the rest of my life has! Just looking out of the office doors, where I sit, I can see a bunch of things that need to be taken care of! "Chaos isn't good for your health" says India Arie, well apparently working out to lose the "I put myself on the BOTTOM of my own priority list" weight isn't so healthy either! It's the very thing that is CAUSING the chaos!

Life is good, I really can't complain. But a house where I feel like everywhere I look there's a MESS to tend to makes me NUTTY! And that's just how I feel lately! Scatter brained, can't focus, can barely sit still long enough to blog or read, just crazy. Heck, I'm thankful I'm married to a man who doesn't hound me about cleaning up this and that - THAT would put me over the edge!

This month has to be different. I have to take the bull by the horns and control this life of mine. February felt like life lived me instead of me living my life. Something has got to give and an organized HOUSE is simply NOT an option.

My new full-time job

Both kids are in school - ALL day, Monday through Friday. So it was obvious why my sister recently asked me, "So what do you do all day?" I rattled off random duties that must be completed like laundry, dishes, vacuuming, grocery shopping, dropping off/picking up necessities (birth certificate as of late), meal planning and cooking. Fun stuff. Then one day I heard Dr. Oz say that losing weight is like a full-time job and I thought - "Heck yeah that's what I do and that's JUST what it feels like! A JOB!"

As of August of last year I have been working my tail off, quite literally, to lose weight and get to a place where I am comfortable in my own skin and also very healthy. In blogs past I mentioned using the site My Fitness Pal to help in this endeavor. On any given day, among the usual must-do list, I am online planning what I will eat for the day, or at least logging whatever it was I just ate. Exercising for at least 30 minutes. Grocery shopping for my new meal plan, thanks to Melissa the Trainer - and this meal plan requires a lot of almond milk, apples, and lettuce so I'm shopping far more often than I care to! I'm online supporting my MFP friends in their goals to lose weight because I owe them that much! And I'm trying to find ways to just get this DONE in as rapid a fashion as I can! I'm not sure how I would do this if I were a full-time employed mother!

So I figure, for the first full year without kids home Monday through Friday, I need to get ME back in order. I poured all of me into the kids up to this point, and now they are old enough to do more for themselves while I put ME back on the list of priorities. I don't think my goal will take a full school year, but by summer I will definitely be very close to what I want to look and feel like! This is a day-in day-out kind of job, my body isn't very forgiving if I let my healthy eating or workouts slip, so I have to stay diligent!

So what do I do all day? I take care of home, even make dinner most nights (which is something I didn't do before), and I'm working on getting Natalie in the best shape of her life. Find a person who has ever battled their weight who will tell you that THAT isn't a full-time job and I'll show you someone who has never fully committed to the goal themselves. This is one school year I will never forget!

I just had to have my boy

As you may know, I prayed and prayed to God before I even got pregnant that if He saw fit, that He would allow me the joy of raising a son. I grew up with one sister who was a bit tomboyish, but she played house with me and even Barbies, so we were a pretty good match. My cousins helped me be a little rough and tumble, but living with a brother day in and day out is clearly a very different experience - just ask Jay!

So I got that boy of mine and since very early on he has been ALL boy. He climbed on top of our dining room table before he was even two years old, he threw the bulbs off the Christmas tree and said "Ball" before his second Christmas, and now he pees everywhere BUT in the toilet on an all-too-regular basis. Yep, I got my boy. At age two, Nas stopped dead in his tracks to take full notice of a huge Victoria's Secret model on a poster in nothing but her 'secrets'. All boy.

Well now that Nas is an active 7-year-old first grader who loves sports, I'm finding it hard to accept that he isn't a fan of school work or much of anything that requires him to sit for too long. Not that the kid is doing badly in school, but this is the kid who does high-fives to the whole fam when he sees an 87% on his tests! Jay has me programmed to think like a 'perfectionist's mother' so this from Nas tends to baffle me - til I get over myself!

Case in point: Yesterday, I wanted him to complete all of his homework because he had basketball practice at 6:30. Nas got the tears flowing and the grumbling started! Really??! One pretty easy math worksheet, a writing prompt, and reading for a few minutes before he could run freely? Wow. I was TICKED!!

"You'll skip basketball if you're going to stress me out this much about some homework!!" I told him.

Of course Nas didn't respond, that's his sister's bag. He's wise enough to let me rant so he just kept doing his homework with tears in his eyes. Nas made a couple of mistakes on the math sheet and needed to edit and rewrite a few words on his writing prompt. This I hated. The kid is doing his work so to send him back to fix anything made me feel bad, but really? We're doing it right or we're not doing it!

Needless to say my son got his homework done this ran off to play before basketball practice. Let me tell you there were NO tears or grumbling when it was time to leave for basketball. I get it, no one likes homework, but in the FIRST grade!?! It's non-negotiable for many years to come so I made sure (and his Daddy did too!) that Nas knows school comes first. Period. His first priority is to do well in school, everything - and I mean everything - else is secondary to the time he needs to invest in his education. If we as his parents don't teach him NOW he'll never get it or appreciate it. This child-rearing gig is hard work, but who's gonna raise them if Babe and I don't!?

Balance is an elusive concept

Way back when I became a mother of two all I heard other moms say was how they just wanted "balance"! So I figured, a new mom and all, I probably needed to strive for this as well - it was the in thing way back then after all! It didn't take long for me to realize that there are very few acts that could navigate the tightrope of motherhood in an upright position, so why let that concept of balance be my driving force?

Looking back at that time when I had a preschooler and a new baby I realize I truly was a crazy woman! I was here there and everywhere trying to create a happy, stable home for my family. Jay needed to be in a good preschool so she would have a strong foundation to spring from. Nas needed something for that eczema on his cheeks so I tore through every magazine I could find, tried every product I could afford, all to no avail. Here we are, Jay thriving in 5th grade and Nas's face is all one lovely shade of brown. I wanted the kids to eat healthy, play outside regularly, have extracurricular activities, have movie night as a family, learn how to be in social settings, travel a little, spend time with extended family, bathe every so often, blah blah blah.

Seven years later I realize even more so that there is no such thing as balance in this life. It's like a marriage, life is: sometimes I'm carrying 80% of the load while Babe can only do 20% and vice versa. But rarely is our marriage ever a perfect 50/50. So why pretend it's even possible or realistic?!

As I sat here thinking, I need a little more balance in my day it quickly occurred to me that balance truly is an elusive concept. All I can do is what I can do: some days I'm a cleaning machine, on others I'm focused solely on getting what we need in the household with a sprinkle of what needs to be done for me. Some days I'm taking care of to-dos Babe needs me to get done and on others I get to have a leisurely lunch with a friend and arrive at home in time for the kids to get out of school. Some things I can plan, others I cannot. I would do well to go with the flow more instead of worrying incessantly about the Lazy Susan that needs to be organized? Really? Spend that girl around til the panels enclose the contents and go do something FUN! Cleaning machine day will come and that lazy girl will get the attention she deserves.

Friday = GO time!

Wow, when I started telling my friend what my lil fam has planned for the weekend it quickly became quite the list! I don't mind a busy weekend here and there, and we are due, so I can't complain, but WOW! At what point did my children have so many things on the calendar? Babyhood wasn't easy, but school-age isn't either! I suppose each stage comes with its own challenges - becoming a chauffeur for two kids doing totally different activities is one of them!

We can start with today, Friday. Nas started basketball and is LOVING it! The kid seems to thrive on physical activity and enjoys team sports so far, so I try hard not to complain about his basketball schedule - okay, I try not to complain too much. He has his first game (he had to miss last week) tonight. Well, I have a standing third-Friday-of-the-month girls' night with the neighbor ladies and THIS happens to be that Friday! At first I considered missing girls' night, then it quickly occurred to me that I rarely get to hang with these ladies so I would have to miss Nas' game. If you know me, this wasn't an easy choice, but because Nas also has a game on Saturday, yes, tomorrow, I figure I can miss just ONE!

On to Saturday, when the kids typically do their housework as I try not to overload them with to-dos during the weekdays. So there's that, plus, again, Nas has a basketball game, Jay has dance recital rehearsal, and we'd really like to take the kids to see "Red Tails" especially as we start working more with Nas on Black History. Fortunately the kids' activities are spaced a bit through the day, but we're going to have to be on top of it tomorrow!

Sunday we are going to church. This is non-negotiable for 2012. We go every other Sunday, but even that schedule needs to have high priority as we can slip into a habit of not going very easily. Then, today, Babe asked if we should take the kids to the Colorado Rockies' FanFare event. I figure, Why not? The kids will enjoy it and Babe can make an appearance among his newest clients. A win-win right? But we'll see. A jam-packed weekend is one thing, but depending on what time this FanFare business takes place, it is still important that the kids enjoy a little down time over the weekend. Because come 7 a.m. on Monday morning, it's a whole different kind of GO time!

How do you balance your family's activities?

January 14 already

Wow, my last entry was around Thanksgiving. Sorry, I struggled a bit through December - I called it a mild depression. I feel I can diagnose this for myself because I have had full-blown depression and once you are delivered from that, you know what that looks like. I still have rough days, but I know they will decrease in frequency as the weeks pass.

My parents left for Gemana, Democratic Republic of Congo on December 29 last year, and the anticipation alone caused me to dip into that slight depression. I don't know if most people have a relationship with their parents the way my sister and I do, but if you can relate you can understand that having my parents so far and no longer just a phone call away is not easy. Initially I thought I would be just fine! Fake it til you make it right? Ha, not so much. It got to a point in December when I was just ANGRY. I snapped at my kids for no good reason and I wasn't exactly wife of the year to Babe. I had this underlying pissed off attitude that seemed to move to the forefront each day we approached the 29th. It was my best friend who pointed out what had to be bothering me.

I would wake up in the middle of the night having what felt like a panic attack. One night I woke up crying. I knew what was wrong, the anger part threw me off, but the rest of it was clearly my subconscious feelings about two of my best friends leaving.

It got to a point in December where if I thought about Mom and Dad leaving my heart started to beat rapidly, I couldn't breathe easily - if I didn't stop thinking about their departure I'm not sure what full-on anxiety attack I would have endured, but I didn't want to find out.

Not only did I have my own sadness to cope with, but my Jay, the first grandchild, my Mother's heart (the feeling is mutual!), had her own feelings about her grandparents' missionary work. She had a couple of weeks when she had that angry bug so of course we butted heads because of it. My Mom really is Jay's world, it was obvious even the first time they met. They have a bond that can't be explained, they just get each other and always have. So of course Jay wasn't thrilled to say goodbye to her grandmother at the end of the month.

Needless to say, we survived. It's January 14 after all. I still have days when I just want to call and talk to my parents - I miss my Dad's laugh, I miss talking about everything under the sun over coffee with my Mom. Jay wears my Mom's pajamas, she wants to wear her earrings to school but she has yet to pull out a pair small enough for a 10 year old. It's been 17 days so I think we're still getting used to the idea that my parents aren't just a little over an hour away. But we have each other, we have email/Skype/Facebook/phone, we have so much living to do before December 2013 rolls around. Come what may, I pray for my parents' safety and that we can all greet them at the airport upon their return HOME.