January 14 already

Wow, my last entry was around Thanksgiving. Sorry, I struggled a bit through December - I called it a mild depression. I feel I can diagnose this for myself because I have had full-blown depression and once you are delivered from that, you know what that looks like. I still have rough days, but I know they will decrease in frequency as the weeks pass.

My parents left for Gemana, Democratic Republic of Congo on December 29 last year, and the anticipation alone caused me to dip into that slight depression. I don't know if most people have a relationship with their parents the way my sister and I do, but if you can relate you can understand that having my parents so far and no longer just a phone call away is not easy. Initially I thought I would be just fine! Fake it til you make it right? Ha, not so much. It got to a point in December when I was just ANGRY. I snapped at my kids for no good reason and I wasn't exactly wife of the year to Babe. I had this underlying pissed off attitude that seemed to move to the forefront each day we approached the 29th. It was my best friend who pointed out what had to be bothering me.

I would wake up in the middle of the night having what felt like a panic attack. One night I woke up crying. I knew what was wrong, the anger part threw me off, but the rest of it was clearly my subconscious feelings about two of my best friends leaving.

It got to a point in December where if I thought about Mom and Dad leaving my heart started to beat rapidly, I couldn't breathe easily - if I didn't stop thinking about their departure I'm not sure what full-on anxiety attack I would have endured, but I didn't want to find out.

Not only did I have my own sadness to cope with, but my Jay, the first grandchild, my Mother's heart (the feeling is mutual!), had her own feelings about her grandparents' missionary work. She had a couple of weeks when she had that angry bug so of course we butted heads because of it. My Mom really is Jay's world, it was obvious even the first time they met. They have a bond that can't be explained, they just get each other and always have. So of course Jay wasn't thrilled to say goodbye to her grandmother at the end of the month.

Needless to say, we survived. It's January 14 after all. I still have days when I just want to call and talk to my parents - I miss my Dad's laugh, I miss talking about everything under the sun over coffee with my Mom. Jay wears my Mom's pajamas, she wants to wear her earrings to school but she has yet to pull out a pair small enough for a 10 year old. It's been 17 days so I think we're still getting used to the idea that my parents aren't just a little over an hour away. But we have each other, we have email/Skype/Facebook/phone, we have so much living to do before December 2013 rolls around. Come what may, I pray for my parents' safety and that we can all greet them at the airport upon their return HOME.