Who Signed me Up for this?

It's been 14 years that I've been at this motherhood gig. There have been days when I wasn't sure I was meant to be a Mom. There have been even more times when I have asked, Who signed me up for this?

The first night we brought our daughter home, Babe drove with the care and precision of a secret serviceman while I sat in back next to our baby in her Looney Tunes car seat. I realized then that I was in over my head because I was terrified for her safety. No longer was I 'in control' like I thought I was when she was safely tucked inside of me. She was in a world where plenty of wonderful things happen, but so many awful things happen. What was I thinking? What made me think motherhood was for me?

Back then I thought being exhausted from night feedings that interrupted my precious sleep was the hardest thing I would endure. As she grew, I thought watching Jay fall as she learned to walk would be the ultimate heartbreak. As she continued to grow I thought leaving her at that big elementary school - her adorable ponytails and pink ruched top - was going to be the end of me.

Motherhood had stretched me in ways I'd never thought possible. Then I decided we should have just one more. REALLY?! I guess at that point, when Jay was two, I was still pretty unaware of all that I was signing myself up for with motherhood. But I had to have one more and, God willing, a son. If a girl and a boy is ideal, Babe and I had ideal.

Now, 14 years in, and almost 11 for our son, I find that the days of every two hour feedings, returning my fallen babies to their chubby, wobbly legs after a fall, and first days of kindergarten are the good old days. Those were the days when my kids were with me pretty much all day every day. I knew what they were eating, who they played with, and was there for every part of their day.

Back then the hardships where physical: lack of sleep, chasing little ones all day, trying to get them moving so they could burn energy for a nap. These days the hardships are mentally draining and far more emotional: your daughter's first heartbreak, teaching her how to stay organized, when she prefers to be in her room unless you offer Chipotle for dinner, when either child struggles with friends or school work, and watching them grow taller than their Mom.

God knows just how to keep us close. I used to pray over my children, I know that God made them and He wants all that is good for them. But now I find I pray constantly for my kids: before my feet hit the floor, when I'm whipping up breakfast for them on a Saturday, driving past his school building, when I drop her off at the bus stop at 6:15 a.m., before and during a basketball game, ALL NIGHT LONG after she's left for a school dance. I pray for my kids constantly. I also pray for myself as their mother - Please fill in the gaps, Lord. Being a Mommy is hard, but I'll take every heartache, every tear that falls from my eyes because I love those kids of mine. Plus, it's apparently what I signed up for!