Balance is an elusive concept

Way back when I became a mother of two all I heard other moms say was how they just wanted "balance"! So I figured, a new mom and all, I probably needed to strive for this as well - it was the in thing way back then after all! It didn't take long for me to realize that there are very few acts that could navigate the tightrope of motherhood in an upright position, so why let that concept of balance be my driving force?

Looking back at that time when I had a preschooler and a new baby I realize I truly was a crazy woman! I was here there and everywhere trying to create a happy, stable home for my family. Jay needed to be in a good preschool so she would have a strong foundation to spring from. Nas needed something for that eczema on his cheeks so I tore through every magazine I could find, tried every product I could afford, all to no avail. Here we are, Jay thriving in 5th grade and Nas's face is all one lovely shade of brown. I wanted the kids to eat healthy, play outside regularly, have extracurricular activities, have movie night as a family, learn how to be in social settings, travel a little, spend time with extended family, bathe every so often, blah blah blah.

Seven years later I realize even more so that there is no such thing as balance in this life. It's like a marriage, life is: sometimes I'm carrying 80% of the load while Babe can only do 20% and vice versa. But rarely is our marriage ever a perfect 50/50. So why pretend it's even possible or realistic?!

As I sat here thinking, I need a little more balance in my day it quickly occurred to me that balance truly is an elusive concept. All I can do is what I can do: some days I'm a cleaning machine, on others I'm focused solely on getting what we need in the household with a sprinkle of what needs to be done for me. Some days I'm taking care of to-dos Babe needs me to get done and on others I get to have a leisurely lunch with a friend and arrive at home in time for the kids to get out of school. Some things I can plan, others I cannot. I would do well to go with the flow more instead of worrying incessantly about the Lazy Susan that needs to be organized? Really? Spend that girl around til the panels enclose the contents and go do something FUN! Cleaning machine day will come and that lazy girl will get the attention she deserves.

Friday = GO time!

Wow, when I started telling my friend what my lil fam has planned for the weekend it quickly became quite the list! I don't mind a busy weekend here and there, and we are due, so I can't complain, but WOW! At what point did my children have so many things on the calendar? Babyhood wasn't easy, but school-age isn't either! I suppose each stage comes with its own challenges - becoming a chauffeur for two kids doing totally different activities is one of them!

We can start with today, Friday. Nas started basketball and is LOVING it! The kid seems to thrive on physical activity and enjoys team sports so far, so I try hard not to complain about his basketball schedule - okay, I try not to complain too much. He has his first game (he had to miss last week) tonight. Well, I have a standing third-Friday-of-the-month girls' night with the neighbor ladies and THIS happens to be that Friday! At first I considered missing girls' night, then it quickly occurred to me that I rarely get to hang with these ladies so I would have to miss Nas' game. If you know me, this wasn't an easy choice, but because Nas also has a game on Saturday, yes, tomorrow, I figure I can miss just ONE!

On to Saturday, when the kids typically do their housework as I try not to overload them with to-dos during the weekdays. So there's that, plus, again, Nas has a basketball game, Jay has dance recital rehearsal, and we'd really like to take the kids to see "Red Tails" especially as we start working more with Nas on Black History. Fortunately the kids' activities are spaced a bit through the day, but we're going to have to be on top of it tomorrow!

Sunday we are going to church. This is non-negotiable for 2012. We go every other Sunday, but even that schedule needs to have high priority as we can slip into a habit of not going very easily. Then, today, Babe asked if we should take the kids to the Colorado Rockies' FanFare event. I figure, Why not? The kids will enjoy it and Babe can make an appearance among his newest clients. A win-win right? But we'll see. A jam-packed weekend is one thing, but depending on what time this FanFare business takes place, it is still important that the kids enjoy a little down time over the weekend. Because come 7 a.m. on Monday morning, it's a whole different kind of GO time!

How do you balance your family's activities?

January 14 already

Wow, my last entry was around Thanksgiving. Sorry, I struggled a bit through December - I called it a mild depression. I feel I can diagnose this for myself because I have had full-blown depression and once you are delivered from that, you know what that looks like. I still have rough days, but I know they will decrease in frequency as the weeks pass.

My parents left for Gemana, Democratic Republic of Congo on December 29 last year, and the anticipation alone caused me to dip into that slight depression. I don't know if most people have a relationship with their parents the way my sister and I do, but if you can relate you can understand that having my parents so far and no longer just a phone call away is not easy. Initially I thought I would be just fine! Fake it til you make it right? Ha, not so much. It got to a point in December when I was just ANGRY. I snapped at my kids for no good reason and I wasn't exactly wife of the year to Babe. I had this underlying pissed off attitude that seemed to move to the forefront each day we approached the 29th. It was my best friend who pointed out what had to be bothering me.

I would wake up in the middle of the night having what felt like a panic attack. One night I woke up crying. I knew what was wrong, the anger part threw me off, but the rest of it was clearly my subconscious feelings about two of my best friends leaving.

It got to a point in December where if I thought about Mom and Dad leaving my heart started to beat rapidly, I couldn't breathe easily - if I didn't stop thinking about their departure I'm not sure what full-on anxiety attack I would have endured, but I didn't want to find out.

Not only did I have my own sadness to cope with, but my Jay, the first grandchild, my Mother's heart (the feeling is mutual!), had her own feelings about her grandparents' missionary work. She had a couple of weeks when she had that angry bug so of course we butted heads because of it. My Mom really is Jay's world, it was obvious even the first time they met. They have a bond that can't be explained, they just get each other and always have. So of course Jay wasn't thrilled to say goodbye to her grandmother at the end of the month.

Needless to say, we survived. It's January 14 after all. I still have days when I just want to call and talk to my parents - I miss my Dad's laugh, I miss talking about everything under the sun over coffee with my Mom. Jay wears my Mom's pajamas, she wants to wear her earrings to school but she has yet to pull out a pair small enough for a 10 year old. It's been 17 days so I think we're still getting used to the idea that my parents aren't just a little over an hour away. But we have each other, we have email/Skype/Facebook/phone, we have so much living to do before December 2013 rolls around. Come what may, I pray for my parents' safety and that we can all greet them at the airport upon their return HOME.