When parents argue

Some say kids shouldn't hear their parents argue.  Others say it's good for kids to understand that everything isn't always rosy.  I've recently learned that I'm no longer of the school of thought that says it's okay to argue in front of your kids, because the waters will calm when they see Mom and Dad have made up.  Instead, I'm more "middle of the road".

The crap hit the fan earlier this month between me and my career-driven husband.  I find, more and more, that I'm very private about what goes on in my marriage so I think it's safe to say, that's all you need to know for now.  If you're married or dated, you know just what I mean when I say "the crap hit the fan."  And hit the fan it did.  It was one of those disagreements that unravels layers upon layers of 'stuff' you both have allowed to grow and only now are you sharing it.  So, needless to say, there were a few days of heated arguments - and I'm not the composed, calm, collected Natalie you may know when I argue.  No, that's Babe's M.O.  When I feel misused, mislead, mistreated, let down, or like my feelings have been hurt, the "guilty" party will hear about it.  But Babe especially hears about it - loudly.

In previous arguments I didn't worry about it when the kids were in earshot.  Our disagreements rarely went past a day or so: we argued, we didn't talk to each other, then we worked it out when the heat died down.  This time it was more like, we argued, didn't talk to each other, we argued, avoided each other more, argued via text, discussed via email even, then argued some more before things calmed down.  This was over about three days.  In that three days I learned a lot about my kids and these revelations are the very reasons I have decided that if the heated argument must go on and on and on, it must be settled when the kids are nowhere near.

Jay's response to our incessant arguing was crying.  When she is tired of crying, she retreats to her room to listen to her iPod, headphones and all.  When the coast seemed clear, she became my shadow - as though her world was so unsure she needed to keep constant tabs on my whereabouts.  Later I found out she fears her parents divorcing, leaving her and her brother to live between two houses the way some of her friends have to.

Nas is all boy when it comes to his parents arguing.  When I sat with the kids and asked them how they felt about our arguing, Nas didn't want to answer at first.  Then, maybe once he was able to put his thoughts into words, he said, "I just want to leave when you guys argue."  It is as though "maleness" really is hard-wired from very early on.  He wanted to leave to play at his friend's house, then was glad to escape to my parents' house for the weekend that followed.

No couple is perfect and unless both parties just pretend all is well, the truth is couples argue.  And if you have kids, well, they just might be around to hear it go down.  I've learned a lot from this blowout - which has been handled and all is well! - about myself, about Babe, and definitely about the kids.  When the disagreement goes unresolved, a truce must be called to discuss the issues at a time when the kids are not privy to all that comes with their parents' spat.  It is unfair to expect children to decipher what they are hearing and the levels of emotion that come with it.  So spare them the confusion, sleepless nights, and fallout at school.  This is grown-up stuff and that is the way it should be kept.