When parents argue

Some say kids shouldn't hear their parents argue.  Others say it's good for kids to understand that everything isn't always rosy.  I've recently learned that I'm no longer of the school of thought that says it's okay to argue in front of your kids, because the waters will calm when they see Mom and Dad have made up.  Instead, I'm more "middle of the road".

The crap hit the fan earlier this month between me and my career-driven husband.  I find, more and more, that I'm very private about what goes on in my marriage so I think it's safe to say, that's all you need to know for now.  If you're married or dated, you know just what I mean when I say "the crap hit the fan."  And hit the fan it did.  It was one of those disagreements that unravels layers upon layers of 'stuff' you both have allowed to grow and only now are you sharing it.  So, needless to say, there were a few days of heated arguments - and I'm not the composed, calm, collected Natalie you may know when I argue.  No, that's Babe's M.O.  When I feel misused, mislead, mistreated, let down, or like my feelings have been hurt, the "guilty" party will hear about it.  But Babe especially hears about it - loudly.

In previous arguments I didn't worry about it when the kids were in earshot.  Our disagreements rarely went past a day or so: we argued, we didn't talk to each other, then we worked it out when the heat died down.  This time it was more like, we argued, didn't talk to each other, we argued, avoided each other more, argued via text, discussed via email even, then argued some more before things calmed down.  This was over about three days.  In that three days I learned a lot about my kids and these revelations are the very reasons I have decided that if the heated argument must go on and on and on, it must be settled when the kids are nowhere near.

Jay's response to our incessant arguing was crying.  When she is tired of crying, she retreats to her room to listen to her iPod, headphones and all.  When the coast seemed clear, she became my shadow - as though her world was so unsure she needed to keep constant tabs on my whereabouts.  Later I found out she fears her parents divorcing, leaving her and her brother to live between two houses the way some of her friends have to.

Nas is all boy when it comes to his parents arguing.  When I sat with the kids and asked them how they felt about our arguing, Nas didn't want to answer at first.  Then, maybe once he was able to put his thoughts into words, he said, "I just want to leave when you guys argue."  It is as though "maleness" really is hard-wired from very early on.  He wanted to leave to play at his friend's house, then was glad to escape to my parents' house for the weekend that followed.

No couple is perfect and unless both parties just pretend all is well, the truth is couples argue.  And if you have kids, well, they just might be around to hear it go down.  I've learned a lot from this blowout - which has been handled and all is well! - about myself, about Babe, and definitely about the kids.  When the disagreement goes unresolved, a truce must be called to discuss the issues at a time when the kids are not privy to all that comes with their parents' spat.  It is unfair to expect children to decipher what they are hearing and the levels of emotion that come with it.  So spare them the confusion, sleepless nights, and fallout at school.  This is grown-up stuff and that is the way it should be kept. 

Year One as a Vegetarian

The end of January marked my first year as a vegetarian! It was a year full of learning, but no setbacks.  It was as though when I decided meat was no longer part of my diet, I never looked back! I believe it is Dr. Oz who says we make changes based on how we feel and at the beginning of 2009, I felt sluggish, tired, and just sick of it all.  Then I read "The Kind Diet" and I was sold.  I started off as a vegan and lost a few pounds, my skin glowed, and I felt great.  But I found it very hard to maintain such a diet especially considering how much my family enjoys eating out.  So I added cheese back into my diet, which helped, but still refrained from consuming other dairy and no eggs.

Over time I added eggs back into my diet when I felt like I needed them and I had fish from time to time.  Gradually I figured out what worked best for my body and now I'm off fish as well.  I heard so much bad information from friends and family about my new eating style, but when television pumps the importance of meat for protein, milk for calcium, and fish as the only source for omegas, it's easy to understand why.  But this bad info only fueled my desire to find the truth and being the cynic I am, that means it cannot come from the government and it cannot come from anyone in the food industry's back pocket.  Not only do I get plenty of protein, but there seems to be a vegan/vegetarian alternative for just about every nutrient and supplement out there.  And my body seems to enjoy the vegetarian option: my mind is clearer, and my spirit is so much more caring and concerned for others and our world.  What can be bad about any of that?

When I first started off I'd eat one veggie and think I'd be full.  I wouldn't and I felt like I had to eat all the time! I knew this wasn't good.  When I wouldn't get my fill I found myself fueling my body with carbs, good and bad.  So many Americans, I've read, forego meat only to become "carboterians".  That's what kept my weight holding steady, although I was eating much healthier, I was eating far too many carbs in a day.

This past fall I found that I had to bulk up each meal so I could do what I need to do on any given day.  Instead of trying to eat one lighter veggie and a piece of fruit, I find I have to eat something more like a sweet potato, salad, and a piece of fruit.  A meal like that will keep me full and satisfied.  Cabbage alone is not a meal - when I finally got that, I started feeling lighter physically.  I still do the carbs, of course, but they are really healthy and filling and stuff like bread isn't a 'main' attraction anymore.

Another thing I learned this year is that when Mommy does better, the rest of the family follows suit! I am the meal planner, in general, so plates these days are full of veggies even though my family still eats meat.  And many a night fruit has been dessert because it's sweet and the kids don't complain or expect a cookie afterward.  "Fruit is nature's candy" is kind of corny, but it's right on target.  Babe stopped cooking for me when I went veg, but I could tell he missed taking care of me in that way - he's been cooking for me since he was 16 back in our dating days! And this fall he made THE BEST veggie plate for me, it put all restaurants I enjoy to shame.  He didn't use bacon fat or any other kind of meat found in many 'soul food style' veggies, and we all enjoyed it.  My change in eating style has helped my family become more open to trying different veggies prepared in an assortment of ways.  Who knew?

So here I am, one year later thankful to Alicia Silverstone for showing me a new way of eating, although I had to tweak it to fit my own needs.  I've never felt better, been healthier, or more mindful of what I put into my body and, in my opinion, that is what the "Kind Diet" concept is all about.