As the school year winds down

This school year has been a really good one. I remember, when Nas was just a few months old in 2004, feeling like 2010 was an entire world away and here were are about to finish kindergarten! At some point in my life I became a cynic, so unfortunately I'm wondering what next school year might hold because the kids had such a productive year of growth. But cynic that I am, I also know that God has control over it all and if He can bring us to it, He will bring us through it. So I kick that cynicism to the back of the closet.

Jay struggled with girlfriends in years past, but this school year she has made some great friends and I'm so happy for her! Every girl needs "that" girl who she knows will have her back no matter what. When Jay had her sleepover I had the opportunity to meet her "bestie" and together they reminded me so much of me and my junior high and high school bestie. No matter what the party held, Jay and "A" were together. On top of that, Jay is about 5'2+ and "A" is all of 4'8" - that's just how it was for me and my best friend. Among other things, the social aspect of childhood really solidified for Jay and for that I am so thankful!

Nas was not a fan of kindergarten initially. Going to school all day, two full days and Friday afternoons, meant he had to leave home. Ask Babe and he'll add, "he had to leave his mommy, that was the problem." But Nas is so much like me in that change does not sit well with him initially. We had teary drop offs, yeah both of us, days when he got into trouble because he chose to do what the other boys were doing, we even had days when he came home so tired he fell asleep before dinner. We didn't have many of those days, but early on, Nas would be exhausted after school.

Now Nas has settled into the day-to-day rigors of kindergarten, he doesn't stress about his days because he's used to the system, he even likes to buy lunch - something he wouldn't do before because he didn't know "how" and it overwhelmed him. He's had playdates with a couple of his kindie buddies and has gone to a couple of birthday parties. He is even excelling in his school work. I'm just so happy for my little late bloomer that I could burst!

So with summer looming, I wonder what I'm going to do with my oh-so-awesome kids. They aren't nearly as awesome when they are together 24/7 through the summer months - and, yes, as a Virgo this requires some thought and planning on my part or it'll all fall apart. Which isn't easy, because very few options are cheap! I don't know how other parents survive the summer...maybe they work and don't have to endure the constant bickering come July...but I've got to get it figured out! After all, these new found social skills and academic advancement don't bode as well when the kids are trying to out-think each other or talk the other into a coma. All things considered, if I don't find them something to do over the summer, I just might be the one gaining new skills in the real world - by getting a JOB!

Sometimes they surprise you

Often I wonder why so many single people spend so much of their energy trying to find "the one", only to find SOMEone and complain or act like, typically she, is nothing but a ball and chain. There are so many jokes about how marriage is nothing short of the end of a man's life that I'm sure there could be several books full of them - volumes even.

I've never thought of marriage this way - maybe that's because I'm a woman and it seems male comedians are the ones with marriage jokes - but I do have high expectations of my partner and what marriage will look like for us. Some of those expectations include keeping things fresh, because we need to have fun together otherwise, why bother?! I also believe we need time away together, maybe because I love to travel, but even if we just head up to the mountains for a long weekend it is precious time needed to reconnect. I'm just a believer in the idea that, if we can't enjoy ourselves together and ensure time to do so, we most definitely have a problem.

Well last weekend Babe went all out in the "let's have fun together" category. He bought tickets for us to go see comedian Cedric the Entertainer, lined up the sitter for the kids, and before the show we went to dinner. Now, if you're a wife you probably know quite well that we are usually the ones setting up date nights, right down to who will watch the kids and when. So this really was a treat, and I felt like a girl. Not Mommy, not his wife, I was Natalie...just a girl, and I loved every minute of it.

Sometimes Babe surprises me, because he is very focused on his career, being a great dad, and sometimes - let's keep it real - our relationship is put on the back burner for both of us because we do have so many balls in the air. But when he goes all out and takes care of everything, I'm quickly reminded of just why I fell for the guy. It made me feel loved, it made me feel special, and I'll always love him for it.

15 Years...can that be RIGHT?!

Last night I jokingly suggested to Babe that 14 years was probably enough time for us to be together, maybe we should both try something different. I mean, 14 years is a long time!

"Fifteen years," he corrected. Suddenly I was confused.
"What do you mean fifteen years? We're just jumping to fifteen now?" I asked.
"We're closer to fifteen years together than fourteen, it'll be fifteen years in October," he informed, likely thinking I was just plain clueless.

I did the math and, what the heck, on October 6, 2011, we'll have been together for fifteen years. Although he is still a little ahead on the 15 talk, it's still looming! If I thought the kids were flying through the years, Babe and I had bypassed them at the speed of light!

Babe and I started dating when he was 16 years old and I'd just turned 18 - long story that includes him conveniently adding a YEAR to his age when we first met - and it still amazes me that there are things I am learning about him. His basic personality is always intact: mellow, gentle, focused, funny, intelligent, and a lover of the finer things in life but willing to work his tail off to acquire what it is he wants in life. I know all of that, that's always been there. But over our many years together (8 years married) I have learned that he is a good father - lets his daughter get away with more than I like and encourages his son's passion for video games a little more than I like - and the kind of man who is willing to work at our marriage, even when things are difficult.

I've learned that if I want to see him smile, hear him laugh, all I have to do is get him out of his element (work, home) and into a fun situation where his competitive side can emerge. That is when he is the Babe I know and love - the one I fell so hard for nearly 15 years ago. The guy is a lot of fun and I think it's easy to forget this when we're so fully engaged in every day life and parenthood.

Fifteen years is a long time and we've been through so much together in that time: ups, downs, and all the really good stuff in between. For many couples, fifteen years is just a drop in the bucket but for me it is signifies the kind of commitment I always wanted: one that is happy and endures.

I jokingly suggested we try something new and Babe's response was, "You won't find better than me!" And I had to smile because he is absolutely right. He is just the man for me - he always has been, and he is even more so after 15 years.

One proud Mama

There are days when I hear my kids bickering and wonder where these little people came from. It's enough to drive a mother crazy, especially when it seems the kids can have such a good time together, only to wake up the next day ready to attack each other.

Then there are the days when I look, almost eye-to-eye, at Jay and think, "I had something to do with just how great that kid is." And when I watch Nas trying something new and think, "I really am very, very blessed to call this little boy mine." On the whole, I have wonderful children. Those proud Mama moments, I'm sure, are what keep me from locking them both in the basement.

Just this week I had the chance to see my little boy through the eyes of his teacher. Nas is in kindergarten this school year and he's doing great: he's made friends, loves art class (who knew?!), and makes sure to remind me he has homework to do on his off days. I'll be honest, I didn't expect Nas to be into school the way he is. No, he's not giddy to go to school, least of all the night before. But apparently, he takes pride in his work and is absorbing so much more than I see when we complete his homework worksheets which are very repetitive, but what do I know?

I received a call from Mrs. L that she would be sending Nas home with some first grade homework because, "He's doing awesome!" Her words, not mine. I was so proud of my Super Mario Brothers-"Phineas and Ferb"-action hero-loving little boy. Sure, I know how well he is coming along in his reading - "Mommy, why would anyone 'Eat Pray Love'?" he asks when he sees the movie title on television - but I have no clue where he's supposed to be at this level so I chalk it up to him being on track. But she is having him take their current class work a step further - which so excites me! If he's ready, let's keep him moving forward.

So he's doing well academically, but he's also standing up for his friends, is very polite, and plays with a girl in his class "because sometimes she has no one to play with." I'm not sure if Mrs. L tells Nas how great all of this is, but it's nice to know from another adult in his life, that my prayers for my precious son and all the good I hope to put into him oozes out into the outside world.

I complain...I complain a LOT (just ask Babe!) about how much constant work motherhood is, and I don't know a good mom on earth who would disagree. But even on my hardest, longest day, hearing such a good report about my little boy reassures me that I am doing something right. I just have to stay devoted to my job as their mother and pray, God please, fill in the gaps. All of the sibling bickering aside, I truly am one very proud mama.

When I grow up I wonder what I'll be

Many years ago I was either in an elementary school production or I watched my sister in the production, but either way, I remember the kids repeating, "When I grow up, when I grow up, I wonder what I'll be." When I was eight I had a pretty clear idea of what I hoped my life would look like - and honestly, I'm living my childhood dream. There is, though, one piece missing: becoming a professional writer.

I'm reading a wonderful book called, "Something More: Excavating Your Authentic Self" by Sarah Ban Breathnach, that has reminded me of my childhood self and all that I dreamed back then. I was conservative, even then, when it came to how big I would dream: some dream of becoming millionaires, others the president, I wanted to be a writer, wife and mother. The difference between childhood and adulthood, though, is a child can dream anything their mind will allow. Adulthood is the time in which the dream - whatever it may be - can be brought into reality.

During your childhood, what did you see yourself doing on a daily basis? How does that compare to what you are actually doing today? If your childhood dream was impractical, what about that dream (creativity, physical activity, etc.) is still a part of you now? "Something More" seems to subscribe to the idea that because childhood is a time when we are open and untainted by the adult world, it is in childhood that we were our most authentic selves. I would venture to say that I am basically the same Natalie I was when I was a child, personality in particular, and I do have the same dream of writing professionally. The one difference adulthood has imposed is fear. But what better risk to take than on oneself to achieve a lifelong goal?

Jay inspires me almost daily because she is fearless. Just today she told me she won't be an at-home mom because she has way too many jobs she wants to do. True to form, she is outgoing and good at just about everything she has ever tried, so that perspective will work to her advantage. And, as a ten-year-old, she is free to want to have many jobs/careers throughout her life, she is also free to actually live her life that way...I just hope the world doesn't take her fearlessness. "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me", is a scripture I learned early in life - my daughter lives this scripture.

What dream for your life do you have that you have yet to explore? What is holding you back? I guess it's safe to say that childhood is the time to dream and adulthood is when you wake up and make your dream a reality. When I grow up, when I grow up I wonder what I'll be...

Mommy Time-Out

Since becoming a mother, I realize how much time I need to set aside specifically for me. Simply put, there are times when I need to get away from my children, times when I just need a time-out.

Lately I have been feeling like the walls are closing in on me: I've been short with the kids, and find myself daydreaming about sipping a latte at Barnes and Noble while enjoying a magazine - alone. Moreover, I caught myself daydreaming about our anniversary trip to Cabo San Lucas, Mexico, longing to just be away, to get out of my element. We have plans for a getaway for just the two of us, but with Spring Breakers overtaking the country, I voted to wait until after March. Our previous getaway plans didn't pan out, so once March hit, that added four more weeks to any plan we may have had.

Now, I don't know if other moms are like me, at-home moms or otherwise, but there is something, for me, about getting outside of my regular space - alone - so I can think. I can think about my writing and my goals for me. I can be "off the clock" so I can return refreshed, and when I'm alone I can hear from God. This time away is, literally, all about me. I don't need it every week or every month even, but when I need it, I need it.

I'm currently at the "I need it" place. It is safe to say that I have been at this place for some time now, and it's showing in everything I say and do - and for the most part, that's not good. The way I feel might be likened to mild depression because I sleep more, I have low energy, no real interest in doing what I enjoy, I crave carbs (and not the good ones!), and I'm far more impatient. None of this is productive.

Fortunately, I am able to take a time-out and I have Babe's support, which, I've found, not every wife has. It will be a time of renewal and I'll feel so much better. And I'll be sure to plan the next time away for myself before I get to the "I need it" place.

Motherhood is constant work, if you're not thinking about what needs to be done for the kids you're doing it, and like any other job out there a break is good. Not only am I looking forward to the time away, but to the better mom and wife I'll be when I get back home.

Mamarazzi is back on the prowl

Back when Jay was a baby all I did was take pictures of her.  She was 'shot' clothed, naked, bathing, crying, sleeping, discovering something new, sucking her hand, an isolated shot of her hand and/or feet, and even her diaper.  Literally, I loved every inch of that baby girl and I made sure to have mementos from that short time in her life.  Back then I only had a film camera, but I never allowed myself to run out of film and every chance I got I was printing pictures.  As she got older, I had more diverse shots to take and she loved every minute of our photo shoots.

Then came Nas.  I foolishly expected my baby boy to be the eager subject his sister was - somehow, he didn't get that gene.  If you have more than one child, you probably already know that the second child tends to have less photos taken - well I was aware of this tendency, and made it a point to photograph Nas a few times a week (whereas Jay was daily!).

Being a busy mom of two wasn't the only hindrance I met when it came to documenting my baby's growth - my BABY was the biggest hindrance! Sometimes he was in the mood, but most of the time he was cranky and maybe even afraid of the camera.  Really?! Child, do you know who your  mother is? We take pictures, and we don't cry in all of them! So I did what I could and even enlisted Jay's help by giving her a camera to shoot random moments of her brother.  During his toddler years we have quite a few pictures of Nas with a straight face - no smile, no frown, very much like photos I have of his father, oddly.  He's gotten better, Nas I mean, but the early days were my favorite, so where does an admitted "mamarazzi" go from here?

Recently I realized how infrequently I have photographed my kids.  They are 10 and 6 now, so they know when I'm coming and give me the "cheese" smile, even Nas.  Sometimes I just want to capture them doing what they do - homework, coloring, playing video games, dancing, playing with their toys, running around outdoors with the warmth of the sun on their little faces.  But that seems to have gotten harder as they've grown older.  It feels like I have to be more prepared for photo-ops, keep the camera handy, and hope they'll let me into their pretend worlds for just a moment.  Because, much like their baby days, childhood passes quickly if we're not paying attention - and I don't want to miss a thing.

There's a first time for everything

This year we decided Jay's request for a sleepover would be granted.  She turned 10 and seems to have a great group of girlfriends and by age 10, I figure most girls have spent the night away from home for a sleepover.  If you know me or have read my previous blog, you know that I am no fan of party planning.  Maybe it's the Virgo part of me that says everything has to be just so, perfect even.  Striving for perfection in any way is a recipe for disaster, but in party planning? For ME? You can hang it up.

So the theme was "Red Carpet Event" and Jay wanted all of the girls to come to our house dressed to walk the red carpet.  This was all her idea - I'm the mom who prefers to have an easy theme, like Transformers.  Party City does it ALL for you! Anyway, hers was a really cute idea - one that has caught on with many women we know, in fact - so we started mapping out what she wanted the party to look and feel like.  My child asked Babe to make chicken alfredo, garlic bread and salad for dinner.  After wondering, "Why not just order pizza?" Babe obliged.  Then we had an ice cream bar that was a hit - even Babe had two of his own ice cream creations.  The decor was fairly easy, though not cheap, and had I planned an idea ahead of time I could've worked something out - but we got what we needed at Party City and got ready for the girls to come over.

As expected, the girls were calm and subdued upon arrival.  They walked the red carpet, posed, and later had dinner.  When Jay suggested they dance, it got loud! They laughed, danced, even the 15-month-old I babysit got in on the dancing action.